second, third, fourth guesses

Before last night, Jos and I hadn’t had a proper scene in a couple of weeks. I missed it. And I was horny.

Around dinner, I asked him, “What kind of catastrophe should we have tonight?”

“A really bad one,” he said.

“OK,” I said. “But let’s have a great scene first, OK? And then some sex? And then the disaster?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

We really had the sex first, which is rare. I asked him to go down on me. “Here’s what I want you to think about,” I said. “I don’t want you to think about making me come. I want you to think about keeping me engaged and wanting more.”

And he did. Boy did he ever. And we fucked.

Afterwards - neither of us having come - I had to intentionally calm down. I wanted to tear his limbs off. When he handed me something, it was difficult not grabbing his fingers between my fingernails and scratching the crap out of him. So, we took a few minutes to chill out a bit in between.

I can’t really write much about the scene right now. I chained him down on his back, shackles on wrists and ankles, knees bent up, ankles chained to wrists and then down to the sides of the bed rails. A leash. I hurt him pretty bad with this flapping crop-like thing, on the insides of his thighs. In between talking to him, petting him, calming him, I was ruthless. I did some things over and over just to see where it would go. He laughed hysterically at one point, in between agony.

I was paying attention, mind you. I was there. I was in control. I didn’t do anything I didn’t intend. (Actually, I mis-aimed at one point and nicked a testicle, but in the overall scheme of things, it wasn’t a big deal.)

At the end, when he was probably overdue for stopping, I made him take a little more pain from the little plastic cane, and then assist me in having my orgasm. And then aftercare.

In aftercare, I felt that I had broken him, or traumatized him. He didn’t have much joy or lightness in him as he came down. I made him some food, and we sat in the living room, and watched some Tivo. After he ate, we talked some more. He was…mixed up various ways. I was purposely very calm and supportive. This isn’t about you, I reminded myself. Not everything is about you.

He talked about being hit in the same place over and over (which I did some of, very intentionally) and how that runs totally contrary to the instinct we have, when hurt, to cover and protect the hurt place. As with some other questions, he kept gauging my intentionality. He knew I meant to hit him over and over in the same place, but did I intend the stress or just the pain? He said that if it was just pain, he thought it was the wrong way to go about it - I ought to just hit him harder in a different place instead. He seemed stern.

I went to the kitchen, and as I came back, he said, “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” I asked. I was standing at the side of his chair, holding his head against me.

“Because I’m angry.”

“I know,” I said softly.

It takes everything in me not to completely lose it in the face of his anger, but it was so important. It is important to me, after a scene, to support him and care for him and not need care myself if at all possible. And so I hung on. But all I could think was, I broke him, I hurt him, and now he feels bad for being hurt and broken. This is all my fault.

And, with an extra frisson of self-pity (because honestly, that is never far from me), I thought about how I usually have a little crash and cry in his arms when we go to bed after intense nights. And I thought, I won’t be able to do that tonight because it’s too much; the amount I need to cry can just not occur.

“So, let me ask you this,” he said at some point.

“Sure.”

“Obviously my anger generally upsets you a lot. But, you don’t feel that I need to change it. You don’t resent me or have…contempt. For my anger.”

“I don’t,” I said quietly. “I think you handle your anger very cleanly. I think you’re very fair. And kind.” And I teared up.

“God, you’re awesome,” he said. “Why are you crying?”

“Just, you know.” I waved my hand randomly. “Stuff.” And I kind of laughed a little.

And he felt heard, listened to, and that his feelings were safe. He was able to lighten up a bit and not feel bad, and we went to bed pretty happy. He kept telling me how wonderful I was and what great care I took of him. And I was truly pleased about that, and happy to give it. But part of me was waiting for us to turn off the lights so I could just cry. And lying in bed before the lights went out, I couldn’t stroke his face like I usually do, because all I could see was the memory of stroking him before the scene, and during the scene, to keep him OK, to try to keep him going for me. I felt like a monster, like someone whose caresses are only there to enable more violence.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any real guilt over dominance or sadism. But I did. And when we turned out the lights, I faced away from him and started sobbing a little bit, holding my stomach in my arms.

But I know he wants to help me in such times, and I trust that desire even when it feels wrong to get the help. So even though it felt wrong, I rolled over and tapped him. And he knew what it meant, and he rolled over and held me. And I talked about it some. And he made me turn the lamp back on.

“I don’t just stroke you and pet you so I can hurt you,” I said wailed.

We talked like that. He said amazing things to me. I became OK again after a while. I slept well.

In the morning, I jacked him off, lying in the crook of his arm. It was sweet for me, arousing and a bit entrancing. Lying in his arm like that felt very good.

And then, as we were about to leave, I don’t know how this came up, but he joked (but in a truthful way) that the previous night, when he was recovering from the scene, that he’d just wanted to tell me I was a horrible person, over and over. Pretty much. And when he said it, I felt it was basically true. I’d felt it was true at the time, when he was angry and spent so many minutes thinking and processing without saying anything.

And I kind of lost it again, but he was meeting someone today and so I took him home. And I still feel pretty much like crap. And I know he could make me feel better, and would, gladly. And I don’t want to ask it from him, but if this persists, I will. Because I know everything is really OK even though I don’t feel it right now.

type p?

Just took this. Usually my results don’t come out anything like me, but this is more or less right, except that I’m not quite as confident as they suggest.

Your Score: TYPE P

You scored 58 imagination, 70 confidence, 66 dominance, and 54 generosity!

You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There’s no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren’t afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you’re never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you’ve read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you’re good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won’t be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don’t hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I’m sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it’s okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!

WE SUGGEST YOU:
get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don’t quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you’d even like to try out sado-masochism. It’s your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you’ve always really wanted to try and give it a go, you’re a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Link: The What’s your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid

stalking the gazelle

Saturday, Joscelin and I went to the wedding of some mutual friends. We had a fantastic time, and afterwards many hours of romantic conversation. At some point, while we were lying together, face to face, in his small bed, he told me that he felt there was more - more submission, another level, that he was almost ready to access and give me.

I got a little shot of preemptive pain from this. My last boyfriend (8 years ago!) used to tell me “there’s more” but, in fact, he told me this at basically the peak of our relationship. There was not more, and his having said that hurt me later when I thought about it.

But mostly I was excited. I long for more. As much as I enjoy the feeling of dominating Jos - and I do - his submission is even better. I watched his face with a kind of bloodlust.

And, after a minute, he rolled onto his back, withdrawing from our mutual gaze and becoming much more casual in his speech. It was a little bit crushing. I wanted it so bad.

“Do you know what I feel like?” I said after a while.

“What?”

And I told him a story like this:

Imagine you wake up one day in the body of a lion. And you are lying there on the savannah. And a gazelle walks by. And you feel this amazing feeling, you can smell the gazelle, you suddenly really know what it is to long for meat. You know just what it would feel like to sink your teeth into the belly of the animal and feel that hot wetness in your mouth.

And as it walks by, you dream, you pray, for that gazelle to just lay itself down, to just let you consume it.

But it walks by.

And you start thinking, and you realize, I am supposed to chase the gazelle. I am supposed to hunt it down. And you think about exactly how you would do that, and you feel ready. But by now the gazelle is long gone.

And the next day, the same thing. You see the gazelle, you want it, you long for it, and after it is gone, you realize, again, that you should have gone out and taken it. Because you know, you only just woke up in the body of a lion. You have a lion’s capabilities but not a lion’s instincts.

So, yeah. That is what it feels like sometimes. In my life, my gazelle does often lay himself down for me. If he hadn’t done that so many times, I would never have woken up in the body of a lion to begin with. And sometimes I really do chase him and bring him down.

I just want to be able to do it more.

one last thought on orgasm control

Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned here, but which Joscelin knows well, is that orgasm control is also a major fantasy of mine, and has been since early childhood. And I mean orgasm control as applied to myself - the control of my orgasms.

When I was a kid (starting at age 6 or 7), I masturbated by lying underneath the bathtub faucet at the beginning of my bath. I would let a small stream of water fall just above my clit. The masturbation didn’t end in an orgasm, but I did reach a kind of climax. (I would feel a buildup and irresistibly want more and more, and then suddenly, it would be over, I would be relieved, and any more sensation would be too much.)

I remember realizing at one point, when I was still quite young, that I had three different fantasies when I did this:

• I would pretend I couldn’t feel it at all.
• It was too much, I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t get away.
• I couldn’t get enough, and it would be taken away from me before climax.

As a child, I didn’t connect any of these ideas to sex at all. In fact, even after I learned about masturbation, it was another six weeks before I realized that was what I had been doing all those years. (It’s amazing how clueless you can be about sex as a kid.) The general template of what was going on, fantasy-wise, was that I was being punished or trained, in some kind of way that was for my own good - like in a school or gymnastics facility.  (It was never that specific, I don’t think, but that gives the general sense.)

As an adult, the idea that sensation will be withdrawn before I come is a big staple of my fantasy life - one of the very basic building blocks from which my orgasms are constructed. I’ve been able to play this way with a couple of lovers, and it’s delicious. In fantasies, I might not be allowed to come at all, and that’s something I have not done (not intentionally, anyway) in real life. I imagine I would not like it (as Jos does not when I do it to him).

So one reason I am so easily able to enjoy doing orgasm denial and control with Jos is that I like it so much myself - it’s definitely a sympathetic turn-on as well as being hot in the general domination sense.

the deal with the orgasm control

Tom Allen commented the other day that he doesn’t quite get what we (Jos and I) get out of the orgasm control that we do. To recap, this is the basic outline of what we do:

• Jos needs my permission to come.
• He’s not allowed to ask for it.
• I let him come pretty often; I’d estimate about 5 times per week.
• Sometimes he comes with me, but the majority of his orgasms are from (solo) masturbation.

One reason our orgasm control is so “light” (perhaps) is that Jos’s primary task at this moment is completion of his thesis. Three things particularly harm his ability to work: insomnia, stress, and distraction. All of these can be brought on pretty easily by excessive orgasm denial. He’s already kind of on the edge with the work, so it’s just not a good time to be very hardcore.

Jos and I don’t live together. We tend to hang out in a serious way about two nights a week, and get together one other time in a minor way (just for dinner, say). If he only came with me, he would go nuts, and I’d also feel responsible for his orgasm when we did get together.

Instead, almost my favorite thing ever is making out with him, teasing him endlessly, making him fuck me (god), and then not letting him come. He usually goes a bit nuts in a way that feels kind of dark and scary from my side. It’s intense and, for me, emotionally edgy in a way that I crave.

So what I try to do is keep him on a pretty even keel, orgasm-wise, and then deprive him a bit before I launch into doing the in-person denial. And then I try to top him up so he can be calm and sane and get a lot of work done. And I get to have fun with things like dice, specifying positions or details, etc. It’s a good game.

In a normal relationship, of course, he’d just manage his own orgasms, as responsible people usually do. I would never try to restrict a vanilla partner’s masturbation - I think that’s ridiculous. But in the context of owning him, I need for him to feel that I own his orgasms. I want him to feel, every single time that he comes, that it’s because I willed it. I want him to wake up horny in the morning and not be able to do a damn thing about it. It’s hot.

But it’s still a power I have to wield responsibly.

this morning’s orgasm

Joscelin and I practice orgasm control.  We do not practice male chastity or vast amounts of orgasm denial (he may disagree), but he does need my permission to come, and as of a few weeks ago, he is not allowed to ask for it.  I let and/or make him come fairly often, but sometimes it gets very hard for him.  Last night I told him he could come this morning, and he IM’ed me at work today and said he wished he could tell me how it felt.  (I don’t do dirty IMs at work.)  So I said, “Email me.”  This is the email that I got.

I woke up this morning and had my orgasm.  It was just… all there.  I could feel my collar on, and it felt right being there.  I felt like it belonged on my neck, and that you were completely on board with it being there.  There wasn’t a trace of feeling like this was a sham or we were pretending.  It was right.

I thought about the fact that it was a gift from you, and believed it.

The only problem really was that it was so hot, warm, and wonderful that I came pretty quickly so I didn’t get as much relief as I sometimes get.  I’ll be fine, but…

Meh, oh well.

Our relationship is so sweet and hot to me.

the contract

I emailed Joscelin the first real draft of it tonight. It’s about 2 1/2 pages long, although there is plenty of whitespace in and around the text. I’ll be curious to see his proposed changes. This process is a good one - I think the draft sections we’ve discussed so far have helped us already.

I will most likely post the whole thing once we’ve come to an agreement.

like flipping a switch

This post is not about kink.

A couple of weeks ago, Joscelin told me that one way he doesn’t feel like he has “space” at my apartment is that I get a little impatient when he’s doing a computer thing for a minute and not hanging out with me. And it’s true, I tend to do that. I view the time he takes to handle something on the computer as time away from our plans, whatever they are. And he pointed out that he kind of needs that space sometimes.

Duh.

So last night, after our scene and sex, when I was cooking some food, and he was doing a computer thing, I popped my head in the door.

“Jos?”

“Yes, Mistress?”

“Take your time with that, OK?”

“Um, sure. I thought we’d watch some TV together,” he said.

“Yeah. I just want you to know I’m not out here waiting impatiently.”

“Oh. Thanks!”

Later, when we got into bed, he thanked me for that again. I told him that he’d changed my perspective on it when he talked about it before, and that I wanted to give him that space. He thanked me a bit too profusely. (What do I mean by “too profusely”? Read on.)

I told him how sometimes the things he says can bring me out of my total self-focused orientation (kind of a natural state for humans) and it’s like flipping a switch. Like the time he yelled at me online and said, “I don’t want to hear ‘I’ll be fine once I get to see you again’ EVER AGAIN!” And he never has heard that again, either. And, honestly, I haven’t even thought it since then, for the most part. I haven’t been resisting temptation to say it; it just hasn’t come up in the same way.

It was late when we were having this conversation. I have a pattern where, on our long dates, when we have a scene and some sex, then sit up watching some TV, then go to bed, I have a moment of panic where I start to cry. It’s happened three or four times in a row now. It’s fine. But here is what triggered it last night:

He thanked me for working so hard at getting over my own shit.

I had warned him about thanking me too much before, but I don’t think he really got it. I started to cry, of course, and dove into his chest, and he held me and said things like, “I’m so sorry,” and, “Try not to go there. Try to come back,” and “It’s fine, everything is OK.”

“You don’t hate me for my crazy shit, do you?” I asked. Because I am melodramatic like that.

“Not at all,” he said. “Not even close. No danger.”

Because the way it makes me feel to be thanked too much for not doing something I might otherwise have done is that doing that thing would have been really bad. And, in my own mixed-up conception of things, I am pretty good, and the less-than-optimal things I do are just a slight deviation from that pretty-goodness, and don’t actually push me into negative territory. So when I get these huge displays of relief or gratitude that I haven’t done something, it suggests that, no, the thing is really bad, and all my efforts are, instead of going above and beyond and making me super awesome, instead just barely dragging me into acceptable territory. And, really, I think both are sort of true - I am kind of awesome but I do have my barely-tolerable elements.

Mostly I love the way that a different perspective can flip me around and I can change in certain ways to become more easy, reasonable, and sane. I’m proud of myself in this way. I just thought it would be interesting to share the flip side of that, which I think is just an example of “sometimes the truth hurts.”

(NB: Anyone tempted to comment about how I’m the Mistress and needn’t/shouldn’t be accommodating in these ways, but should ruthlessly demand getting my own way from someone who calls himself my slave, can just fuck right off.)

topspace

The other night, I beat Joscelin pretty extensively, first with the heavy rubber loop (which made him look like he’d been trampled by a herd of ponies by the time I was done), then with a cane, and then with the wooden squeegee handle.  Afterwards, I was breathing kind of heavily off and on, and saying things like, “I want to tear your arms off.”

And I realized, and told him, that that kind of headspace is, for me, a lot like really furious anger, only without the emotional anger part.  It has the heavy breathing.  It has the desire to commit outsized actions, and be ferocious and possibly violent.  It’s definitely a state of heightened arousal.  But there’s no actual anger.  (This is probably why I can’t play when I do feel angry.  Because then it’s just a dangerous fury feeling.)

I think I got so headspacy that night because, not only was I beating Jos, but I was also controlling him with more strictness than usual.  I wasn’t allowing him to scream, for instance, and when he did, involuntarily or otherwise, I would make him lie still and re-take the blow quietly.  It was exciting in the way punishment is exciting.  I can’t seem to think of a word other than “strict” to describe it.

A few weeks ago, when we had our healing/un-traumatizing scene at the club, I got a whole different kind of headspace.  I had to walk across the room at some point and I had a feeling like “woah.”  It was like being drunk or stoned, but slightly different from either state (as they are different from each other).  I think the key element of that night for me was just the total focus I was using, and the sense of playing him, and controlling his responses.

Power itself makes me dizzy, and that’s often the thing I notice first.  I can even get dizzy just talking about this stuff with him online, over IM.  I guess that’s a kind of headspace.

Jos found my “fury-like” headspace from the other night exciting, and when I told him about it he started to understand what it might be like for me to top him, which is always hard for him to grasp.  Headspace really is a big part of it for me, though not the only part - it also directly arouses and interests me.  But feeling that furious desire to grab and do violence to him really was yummy.

a little conundrum

Over a year ago, before I started dating Jos, I had a scene with a guy I’ll call Pete. He’s a member of the general community, but I met him online. We had dinner one night, and then I arranged to go to his house and have him top me.

I had a great time in many ways - it was a very hot scene - but there were things I didn’t like. And this guy has kept in contact with me, and has recently been pushing me for another scene. I’m not going to have another scene with him, just because too many semi-small things were wrong. He found me on Fetlife, and propositioned me. I responded,

I appreciate the offer but somehow you’re not quite right for me as a top, despite the fact that the scene we had was one of the hottest I’ve ever had as a bottom. (I remember it quite fondly.)

which was perhaps too honest. So he responded,

Ok, it sounds counter intuitive. But, Thanks for the kind words. I loved doing that with you. It could get much hotter for you. What is it that is “not quite right”. If I can make it “right” I am reasonably flexible.

But the truth is, I just really don’t want to get into it. It seems pointless. Today he emailed me a bit pushily,

I need you to tell me. What the problem is with bottoming to me. Yes, I am happy you had a good experience with the spanking. I am happy you have discovered your Dominant side. So, We could quit while we are ahead. Or, we could inprove on or relationship and I will take you much deeper into your submissive side. I would enjoy that. But, its necessary for you to communicate with me so we can understand everything.

So that’s presumptuous. And I know I don’t owe him any kind of explanation, but I do see him from time to time, and it would be nice to have things be clean between us. I’m just not sure what the most direct, kind but final, thing would be to say.

Here is what my problem is. I don’t feel that he respects that I am not submissive. There were times during our scene when I would make a smartass remark, or laugh, and he would hit me dramatically harder. It made me feel like crap, and when I mentioned it the next day, he didn’t agree not to do it again. (I have since determined that being made to feel in trouble at all during a scene is simply a limit for me.)

There are other things but they are small. During our dinner, even though I had told him I was not submissive, he said at some point that I did not seem like I would be a brat, which I find rankling. When I brought up the thing he did that I didn’t like, he reassured me that he was not punishing me (which was how it had felt), and that if he punished me, we would discuss it first and I would understand it. Which…yeah, no. And when I was at his house he talked about how he carried out punishments with others, stressing his care and respect. And that’s fine, and I do punishment with Joscelin of course, but, god, it just kind of stepped all over my boundaries. (Would I ever take punishment from a partner? Possibly. But you better be damn sure we’ve agreed to go there before you start talking about it.)

(And this is weird, you know.  If a guy wanted to have a scene with me but told me he wasn’t submissive, I would definitely not talk about punishment with him.  I can’t imagine being so presumptuous.  I wouldn’t even talk about punishment with a submissive scene partner unless we had a real relationship where that started to seem appropriate.)

He also had me watch some porn with him after the scene, and it was very misogynistic s&m porn (not extreme except in its misogyny), and that really turned me off. And he let me know that if we had future scenes, he would want me to go down on him afterwards, which I am not interested in doing.

Other things that he mentioned liking gave me the creeps, just in that way I often get the creeps about male domination of women, which I of course have written about before.

So basically, the guy is just not right for me, at all, but I don’t hate his guts. I’m sure some of his partners like him a lot. He had great skills and, like I said, the scene was hot and I remember it fondly.

What would you tell this guy if you were me? And, if you were the top in this situation, what would you want to be told?