“Domination & Submission” must be the most generic post title ever, but it’s exactly what I intend to write about.
You see, I face a bit of a conundrum in my romantic life. I’m single right now, and starting to feel more interested in dating/playing than I have in a while, and and as a free and unfettered (so to speak) person, I can think about what I want. I’m clearly kinky – I probably wouldn’t do that well with a non-kinky partner at this point (though I wouldn’t mind just getting laid sometime). But there is a conflict at the core of my sexuality.
When I am going to have an orgasm, whether during partner sex or masturbation, I think about being dominated or helpless or being punished or used or something along those lines. Even if a partner is pleasuring me and I am not actively fantasizing about something else, and even if that partner is submitting to me at the time, I am almost always imagining that I’m helpless about what is happening to me in that moment.
And yet…and yet.
I am not romantically attracted to mandoms. I’m really not. I don’t enjoy seeing myself as a submissive. I don’t aspire to be good at being a submissive or at bottoming. And the bottom line is I just don’t love men who are dominating me. I can be in thrall to them. I can adore them. But I can’t love them in the way that I want to love someone.
Not all mandoms turn me off. Joscelin didn’t, when he was dominating me (which happened a few times during our relationship and then again at the end, which was deep and intense although it didn’t last all that long). But the ideal sort of mandom (as viewed by the bdsm culture) doesn’t appeal to me at all, and even the best mandoms – even Joscelin – I don’t really like when they are doing their thing. It’s unfair but true.
I was talking to Joscelin about this earlier, and we were trying to ponder whether there even is such a thing as the “culturally ideal mansub” for comparison. The best I could come up with as a romantic image is that idea of a guy who is like a knight who wears a lady’s favor. And honestly even though that is not exactly up my alley, I do like it. I like devotion. I like devotion aimed at me. I like it very much.
I suppose having different romantic and sexual interests is not that rare. I have a close male friend whose sex fantasies usually involve something like a gaggle of young volleyball players romping with him, but who in reality is only romantically interested in middle-aged hippies. I’m not actually interested in dating a filthy pirate who threatens to beat me if I try to get up from the rum-soaked table onto which he has pushed me. Is it really so extreme?
Submitting threatens me and makes me angry.
When I was submitting to Joscelin last year, as I said above, it was very deep and good. These days he has another submissive, who he just started with a few weeks ago, and during our conversation tonight, he said something about the event that made me back out of what we were doing. (Short version: I kicked him and he got very angry and I freaked out a lot.) He said, “I was thinking about that, and I realized, I would never have responded that way to [the New Girl]. But then, she would never have done what you did, either.”
He doesn’t normally compare me to the New Girl (since he’s not a dick), but the truth is, whenever he talks about dominating her, I do the comparison myself, and I’m often angry/defensive/hurt. Because I actually think I was amazing as a submissive to him, and I don’t know if he thinks so (or, as I would say in my head, “realizes it”). So when he said this, I naturally went very quiet, and when he started to continue, I said, “I can’t have this part of the conversation,” and eventually we moved on.
It still upsets me to think about. But I’m also upset on a meta level. Why do I feel defensive about what kind of a submissive I was? I don’t aspire to be a good submissive – the thought makes me retch. Why is it that just because I submitted to him I will now apparently forever buy into this thing where he gets to judge my value as a submissive, and I can be compared to these other submissives, and things like that? Yuck.
I bring this up not because it’s a big deal, the conversation we had – it wasn’t – but because it is kind of an example and indicator of how I feel about submitting and why I don’t want to do it.
On the other side of things, though, when a man submits to me, I do like who I am. I like being a sadist. I like power. I like caretaking. I like having someone in thrall to me, or expressing devotion to me. These to me are beautiful things. A man who responds to me in this way is beautiful and precious to me, and that’s a way of loving that I…love. I like the person that it makes me. I want to be a fuller expression of that person.
So, yeah…bring on the submissive men. Because I’d rather have the romance, beauty, and the bigger picture than the slightly more intense orgasms I can get from being dominated.
I suspect, as you wrote this wonderful post, the two sides of the D&S relationship became a little clearer for you. I know it takes a while.
I was, for years, the dominant in my relationship with my wife. And that worked, to a point. But, as it happens, she is more comfortable and delighted as the Lady of the House to whom I give my submission. It turns out that I am more comfortable there as well.
My years as a frustrated maledom have put me in a much better position as the loving submissive of the woman I love….I suspect, genders reversed, the same may happen with you.
As a long time lurker I should first of all say that I absolutely love your blog and that I´m glad you´re still writing.
What you´re talking about here, that submitting makes you feel threatened and yet you fantasize about it, is something I can definitely relate to. I am hypersensitive to power dynamics in real life. When faced with any kind of authority I either respond with childlike defiance and rage, or I get so stressed out that I try to wear a blank face and behave overly correct to avoid any confrontation. And at night I will have fantasies of said authorities humiliating me. I am at ease with most other aspects of my “pervertedness”, but this one is still loaded with shame and self-loathing. I guess I´d enjoy displaying submissiveness under certain circumstances, but only ever tongue-in-cheek. As soon as it starts to feel sincere, even if it is just humility and not humiliation, an alarm bell goes off somewhere in my psyche.
Your post really struck a chord! I used to identify myself as a submissive for exact same reasons, I think — I get off on being not in control of my situation, on being forced psychologically, and maybe even physically threatened. That said, I am not submissive to anyone, ever — and I’d hate to be! I am fully in charge of my self, of my life, and my decisions will always be my own — and I feel greatly threatened when I am told what to do outside of the bedroom (and often, even in bed…). As a result, I was never good as a submissive, and still wonder sometimes if I am just not understanding enough, too selfish, or otherwise defective :) My current solution, is identifying myself as a babygirl (it works wonders in my current relationship), but also knowing, in the back of my mind, that our sexuality is fluid, ever changing, and responds to different power dynamics inherent in each relationship. If I may suggest, don’t think that you have to choose one form of power dynamic over another — I truly believe you can have both: either through polyamory (having more than one partner may let you be both a domme and a sub when you choose), switching, or negotiating the position of a dominant masochist (most are, anyway). What you describe in your post — a knight in shining armor — sounds like a service-top to me, actually, and there are plenty on kinksters who identify themselves as such…..