“Domination & Submission” must be the most generic post title ever, but it’s exactly what I intend to write about.
You see, I face a bit of a conundrum in my romantic life. I’m single right now, and starting to feel more interested in dating/playing than I have in a while, and and as a free and unfettered (so to speak) person, I can think about what I want. I’m clearly kinky – I probably wouldn’t do that well with a non-kinky partner at this point (though I wouldn’t mind just getting laid sometime). But there is a conflict at the core of my sexuality.
When I am going to have an orgasm, whether during partner sex or masturbation, I think about being dominated or helpless or being punished or used or something along those lines. Even if a partner is pleasuring me and I am not actively fantasizing about something else, and even if that partner is submitting to me at the time, I am almost always imagining that I’m helpless about what is happening to me in that moment.
And yet…and yet.
I am not romantically attracted to mandoms. I’m really not. I don’t enjoy seeing myself as a submissive. I don’t aspire to be good at being a submissive or at bottoming. And the bottom line is I just don’t love men who are dominating me. I can be in thrall to them. I can adore them. But I can’t love them in the way that I want to love someone.
Not all mandoms turn me off. Joscelin didn’t, when he was dominating me (which happened a few times during our relationship and then again at the end, which was deep and intense although it didn’t last all that long). But the ideal sort of mandom (as viewed by the bdsm culture) doesn’t appeal to me at all, and even the best mandoms – even Joscelin – I don’t really like when they are doing their thing. It’s unfair but true.
I was talking to Joscelin about this earlier, and we were trying to ponder whether there even is such a thing as the “culturally ideal mansub” for comparison. The best I could come up with as a romantic image is that idea of a guy who is like a knight who wears a lady’s favor. And honestly even though that is not exactly up my alley, I do like it. I like devotion. I like devotion aimed at me. I like it very much.
I suppose having different romantic and sexual interests is not that rare. I have a close male friend whose sex fantasies usually involve something like a gaggle of young volleyball players romping with him, but who in reality is only romantically interested in middle-aged hippies. I’m not actually interested in dating a filthy pirate who threatens to beat me if I try to get up from the rum-soaked table onto which he has pushed me. Is it really so extreme?
Submitting threatens me and makes me angry.
When I was submitting to Joscelin last year, as I said above, it was very deep and good. These days he has another submissive, who he just started with a few weeks ago, and during our conversation tonight, he said something about the event that made me back out of what we were doing. (Short version: I kicked him and he got very angry and I freaked out a lot.) He said, “I was thinking about that, and I realized, I would never have responded that way to [the New Girl]. But then, she would never have done what you did, either.”
He doesn’t normally compare me to the New Girl (since he’s not a dick), but the truth is, whenever he talks about dominating her, I do the comparison myself, and I’m often angry/defensive/hurt. Because I actually think I was amazing as a submissive to him, and I don’t know if he thinks so (or, as I would say in my head, “realizes it”). So when he said this, I naturally went very quiet, and when he started to continue, I said, “I can’t have this part of the conversation,” and eventually we moved on.
It still upsets me to think about. But I’m also upset on a meta level. Why do I feel defensive about what kind of a submissive I was? I don’t aspire to be a good submissive – the thought makes me retch. Why is it that just because I submitted to him I will now apparently forever buy into this thing where he gets to judge my value as a submissive, and I can be compared to these other submissives, and things like that? Yuck.
I bring this up not because it’s a big deal, the conversation we had – it wasn’t – but because it is kind of an example and indicator of how I feel about submitting and why I don’t want to do it.
On the other side of things, though, when a man submits to me, I do like who I am. I like being a sadist. I like power. I like caretaking. I like having someone in thrall to me, or expressing devotion to me. These to me are beautiful things. A man who responds to me in this way is beautiful and precious to me, and that’s a way of loving that I…love. I like the person that it makes me. I want to be a fuller expression of that person.
So, yeah…bring on the submissive men. Because I’d rather have the romance, beauty, and the bigger picture than the slightly more intense orgasms I can get from being dominated.