Joscelin and I were going along merrily doing a pretty serious d/s thing, with him on top, and then a few weeks ago, in a restaurant, I got irritated with him for accidentally kicking my foot, and I kicked him back, while demonstrating what he had done. He got angry, and I…was terrified, suddenly and absolutely. It felt like the reaction of an abused person (though he was never abusive at all), and it took me a while to get over it. That evening, we decided to stop for a bit and reassess.
I’ve never gotten around to telling him the result of my processing of what happened between us and how I want to go forward, but he’s started asking this week.
It’s complicated. Unlike in past times when we switched, I have only good memories of my time under his control. It was all really wonderful and hot. I don’t seem to have any lingering anger or fear towards him or any of the situations we were in. So that’s good.
When I masturbate, I desperately want to be back there, too. It was so good in so many ways. Mostly I guess it was just very hot, and of course I’m very motivated by that when masturbating.
Once I have my orgasm, the feeling sort of fades.
The truth is, after several years of drama between us, now that I have gotten over the break-up, it’s really nice, really relaxing not being tied to him so deeply. We still live together, still talk and hang out constantly, still sleep in the same bed, but I don’t feel responsible for how he feels or what’s going on with him. I don’t have any obligations towards him (beyond what I’d have towards any friend/roommate).
The week after we stopped, Jos broke down one night and expressed a lot of fear, anger, and resentment towards me, related to our previous relationship, and he criticized me somewhat harshly (though more or less accurately as well). I know he wouldn’t have done anything like that while dominating me, but I felt like, wow, I really can’t belong to someone if owning me is the only way he can control his rage towards me, or not be terrified of me.
Joscelin regrets significant parts of our relationship, including, at times, submitting to me at all. If we do d/s in the other direction, he may come to regret that too. It may turn out that I’ve deceived him or promised something that was not delivered or that I was totally the wrong partner for him to do it with. I’d rather not go through that again.
I don’t want to turn out to have been under some weird system of obligations that I didn’t know about at the time. I don’t want to end up having hurt Joscelin again.
I’m not sure I can serve someone (if I can serve anyone at all) who has so little compassion for himself, who cannot tolerate making a mistake in dominating me. I know that if he ever found out that he hurt me, in a serious way, in the course of dominating me, that it would be extremely hard for him to get over. I don’t really want to be part of that kind of system.
But, boy, do I really want it sometimes. I’d sort of like to reevaluate in six months or so and see if anything has changed. For now, though, I’m really enjoying the relationship that we’re having. It’s warm, friendly, relaxed, funny, and basically just like having a great boyfriend but without the drama and the hot sex. It’s kind of awesome, and I’m not too eager to change it.
