what I want to remember

Last night, Joscelin and I decided I would dominate him for the next couple of days, starting this morning.  He backed out this morning, but, after further conversation, backed back in.  I don’t want to chronicle the entire day, but some really cool stuff happened that I would like to remember.

The rules I gave him:

1. Trust yourself.  [Note: this was an accidentally ingenious way to get something I wanted--a more relaxed/trustful (yet not casual) state--and it seemed to have some effect.]
2. Be open and honest.
3. Tell me what you’re feeling, especially bad things.
4. No making fun (by either of us) of ourselves or each other.

I was intrigued by the notion of pushing him in ways that would be psychologically difficult.  One of the first things we did once we’d discussed these rules was that I did a questionnaire with him.  I asked him to tell me three things he hoped to experience during the day (the most interesting of which was my will, determination, strength, vision, etc.), and to tell me his four best qualities and one thing he didn’t like about himself as a submissive.  (There were more questions, but some ended up being covered in the opening discussion.)

We had a scene, naturally.  Some highlights:

In the beginning, I restrained his hands behind his back and had him lie on his side facing me.  I asked him what he had fantasized about that morning, when he’d woken up and been unable to go back to sleep because of excitement.  And then I asked him the kind of question that is typically very psychologically hard for him to answer: what could you do right now that would please me?

He named one thing.  I was playing with his nipples.  He said something like, “I can think of other things but nothing specific.”  I held his nipple between my nails and said, “I’m patient, tell me more.”  And he did.  “What else?” I asked, still hurting him.  And he gave me more still.  He was very, very good.  I liked how his face changed when we did that.

Later, I found the nipple clamps in the toy box.  He begged me to put them on him, and I did.  He was restrained fairly helplessly.  He then asked me to take them off.  I did so quickly but gently, knowing what would follow: he said he didn’t want me to take them off, and asked me to put them back on.  This cycle repeated itself a few times.  We were talking about how it was – how much he hated them when they were on, and how much he wanted them when they were off.  I said, “Yes, that’s a lesson you need to learn, and I’m teaching it to you.”  (Hot.)

I beat a particular spot inside of his thigh with a small double leather strap (like if you cut off the ends of a leather belt at an angle, then doubled the belt over and beat someone with the open ends).  He hates to be hit in the same spot over and over, so I informed him I was going to do exactly that.  The spot I chose was near the place where the leg and buttock meet, which is a place he hates to be hit, so that some strokes hit there a little and others missed it.

When I started, he took it for a bit and then I pushed him harder and he begged me to stop.  He also moved and evaded me, not completely but noticeably.  I stopped when he asked me to, and he immediately reported that he felt bad/ashamed for having stopped me.  I told him he had done exactly right, and that I was going to hit him again until he begged me again, and that he’d better not move.

I started hitting him again and even though I was obviously hurting him pretty bad, he wasn’t asking me to stop.  I didn’t want him to need to safeword, nor did I want to traumatize him, so I said, “You’d better start begging.”  Once he did, I encouraged him, saying, “Good, keep going,” but also kept hitting him, leading to more begging.  Then I said, “Stop begging,” and he stopped (which was obviously hard) and I gave him a few more strokes and then stopped.  It felt very deep for us both.

If we were continuing with this, what I’d want to be teaching him is to ask for what he wants and then accept that he might or might not get it.  (It’s often harder for him to get it than to not get it.)  I’d want him to learn that it’s out of his hands.  As it was, I wanted to create a deep experience between us, and I wanted part of that, for him, to consist of someone training him in that way.

I had him fuck me.  I told him ahead of time that if he stopped, I was going to beat him with the strap (on his ass/flank) until he continued, but that he wasn’t to come, and I would punish him if he did.  I stressed that the beatings for stopping weren’t punishment, just a consequence.

And then we did exactly that, and fuck was it ever hot.  When I started playing with his nipple, he begged me to stop, because he knew it would make him close, which would lead to more beating.  I really, really enjoyed hitting him that way – like crazy much.  (I started calling him a horsey.)  He hated the hitting and was completely trapped.  He said, “I do love a predicament.”  Eventually I grabbed his nipple and said, “Come now, little horsey,” while beating him rather hard with the strap in my other hand.  He came begging me not to hit him.  (I could pass out from how hot that is.)

So, that was my day.  It wasn’t all sunshine and roses – I ended up struggling a lot with rule #4 myself, and having to apologize a lot, which he was quite gracious about.  But overall, I had a really exciting and nice time.  Joscelin is a good slave.