Yesterday, Mara (Joscelin’s other romantic interest, previously known as “New Lover X” or just “X”) left a comment on my last post. (Lest anyone should wonder, I greatly appreciate that she left a comment – it’s very cool.) In it, she posed some questions, which I would like to attempt to address.
1 – Have you considered reading and talking to people to clarify for yourself what kind of relationship you want, and then looking for a partner who wants the same thing, rather than vise versa?
This sounds very sensible, but there is something about me that makes it not work for me. I have found in the course of my life that what kind of relationship I want is heavily dependent on who my partner is. I tend to want the relationship that makes sense with and for my current partner. That’s not to say that I don’t have my own preferences and parameters.
But mainly, I guess, I am sort of crazily attached to Joscelin. It’s interesting, because I haven’t really been this way in previous relationships, even quite serious ones that lasted a long time. Maybe it’s that I broke up with them and so I was done, but here I was broken up with and I was not done. But I felt nearly done at the time, and I don’t feel that way now. I think there is more here to experience. I also think that Jos is very close to my heart for some very, very good reasons and I am loathe to give up any little bit of that.
I also don’t have much interest in trying to meet someone or whatever. It’s too much work for the expected payout, and when I’m in school I really don’t have the time and emotional energy to spare.
2 – What objection do you have with yourself as you are now? That is, why in the world would you want to change your fundamental makeup “tin” into someone else’s ideal anything?
For me, the “tin into flesh” idea isn’t about making myself into Joscelin’s ideal, which sounds kind of creepy to me. It’s about becoming a more authentic version of myself and becoming better according to my own values.
I would like to be more self-disciplined, but mainly I would like to be less self-centered and self-conscious. I want to be humble and hard-working. I want to learn not to think of myself with constant judgment (bad or good). I want to be less competitive, less judgmental, less inclined to one-upping people. I want more patience, compassion, and gentleness.
3 – I think I understand the traits that Joscelin finds appealing in a submissive, as you describe them above. Are those the traits that you also find appealing in a submissive? If not, why would you aspire to them?
This is a very cogent question, Mara. If I had to take a stab at describing the traits I find appealing in a submissive, it might look something like
- a tendency to go into crazy headspace and show it
- an approach to pain that resembles my own (submissively-oriented masochism)
- verbal expressiveness
I am not that attracted to Joscelin’s vision of a submissive. The submissives who catch my eye are not the ones modestly and beautifully waiting on their knees; they are (more often) men who are currently being painfully beaten. Or the ones kissing a partner’s feet with crazy subbie eyes.
I don’t aspire to become Joscelin’s vision of a submissive, at least not…in the obvious ways. Some of his vision I can definitely get with; I’m blown away and excited that my current rules are “be transparent” and “give willing and gracious submission,” for instance.
Participating in the aspects of his vision that I don’t share, and that I may even find unattractive, has the feel to me of something like a religious ritual or purification. Letting someone outwardly transform me into something I don’t like is an exercise in letting go of my need to protect myself, my front, my image. It is like a form of mortification of the flesh.
4 – Are you a TPE submissive, or partly inclined toward being a TPE submissive? If not, what’s your objection to enjoying the hell out of being sexually submissive in bed, and doing whatever you want with the rest of your time?
It’s safe to say that I’m partly inclined towards being a TPE submissive. I have no objection to enjoying the hell out of being sexually submissive in bed and then doing whatever I want with the rest of my time – none whatsoever. I’ve done that in the past and it was great.
But what I’m doing right now is a really special and (for me) unique experience. I’m not wedded to doing it for the rest of my life; in fact it’s hard for me to imagine making that choice. But I want to experience it and see what it has to offer.
I hope this was interesting.