After the three posts (here, here, and here) I wrote during our scene Tuesday (a scene that consisted of conversations and my being assigned to write those posts), two things happened. Three things, actually:
- Graylion commented on the third post about how disturbed he (she?) was by what I had written, and how much he (she?) feared for me.
- Jos’s New Lover X, who seems reasonably experienced in the bdsm community, told him (as I understand it) that what we were doing was misguided.
- Jos started to ask, “Are we crazy?”
Well, if we were, it wouldn’t be the first time. Someone recently said that we must kink on dysfunction, or we wouldn’t have so much of it. I actually disagree, for the most part, that we are dysfunctional. I think we are highly functional – so highly functional that we get into all kinds of crazy scrapes as a result. I do think we are both drama queens who are into heavy relationship work.
I’d like to describe what I think are the current understandings and desires between us, and I’d love to hear from commenters whether we actually do sound insane or not. I’m sure this description will be incomplete, and it may turn out wrong in some particulars, since I’m going to be speaking for Joscelin as well, but, if nothing else, he may find it illuminating to see what I think is going on.
Joscelin and I had a whole 3.5-year relationship (documented in the rest of this blog) in which he was my slave approximately 99% of the time, with varying degrees (some quite high) of success. It stopped working recently, and he broke up with me, which seemed like a good idea to me at the time, but ended up filling me with regret and heartbreak.
The few times that we switched and I was on the bottom, it was very hot for me, but also challenging, and in some cases I was left feeling angry or disappointed at how things had gone, feelings that are not uncommon for me after having a scene on the bottom with anyone. I am sexually submissive to the bone – certainly I never have an orgasm without thinking about bottoming – but I am also allergic to sexual submission when it comes from a woman. (I’m not proud of this.) It kind of grosses me out and raises my hackles. This effect is very mild when it comes to other women, but can be pretty strong when the woman involved is myself.
Joscelin sees himself as a slave, or at least he historically has. His fantasies, however, are all about female submission. In his younger days (and perhaps now, I’m not sure) he always was a woman in his fantasies. However, he seems uninterested in being or being made feminine in real life.
I have never quite hit Joscelin’s buttons, in the general sense. He says he did not have New Relationship Energy with me, though as I recall he simulated it extremely well, so that I had no idea I was alone in it at the time. He often hasn’t been sure whether he loved me, but at other times, he clearly does love me very much. He’s been a great friend to me always, by far the best lover of my life, and I’m usually content with his feelings towards me. (Lest he should sound like a jerk, this is honestly not game-playing on his part. He’s just a confused little guiltbucket.)
So here we are, broken up. We had a scene with me on the bottom and afterwards, I just couldn’t let go of the role. And he let me stay, and encouraged me to stay, and we’re trying to figure out (partly) whether we want some kind of a committed relationship, or whether we want to just keep living together, being friends, and having hot sex however we like it at that moment.
It’s momentous for me. I’ve never gone this far in submission–not even close–and it’s been very moving and very hot. And at times it has been very difficult.
We were talking yesterday, I think it was, about how Joscelin does not trust me, partly (I think) because I say so many different things. It was a hard conversation for me. He also doesn’t believe I know the meaning of commitment, which is fair. Eventually I said, eyes closed, “Then let me earn my collar. And don’t listen to what I say, since you don’t trust me. Just judge me by my actions.” And that is what we are doing right now.
These are my motivations, as best I understand them, in no particular order:
- I’m in love with Joscelin and I want to be in any kind of relationship with him. This is a particularly intense kind, which suits me well. I want him to love me and keep me.
- Submitting is super hot. So is being controlled and dominated.
- I’m curious whether I can actually be submissive on anything like a long-term basis, and what that would be like. I honestly can’t quite imagine myself choosing to do this “forever,” but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to try doing it. I don’t have doms lining up at my door to try owning me, and nobody understands me like Jos. I have crazy trust for him – maybe enough to overcome my own prickliness.
- I’m attracted to the idea of someone being in a godlike role to me. I want to feel that someone deeply understands me, accepts me, and is strongly, irresistibly pushing me in a positive direction. I want someone to “turn my tin into flesh.” I want to be unable to lie or hide anything about myself. I want to learn humility, get over myself, learn to be neither proud nor ashamed.
- Did I mention that it is hot?
Some of Joscelin’s motivations, as best I understand them, are as follows.
- He’s attracted to my “turning tin into flesh” idea.
- He’s always been interested in my relationship to my own submission, since I’ve always been sexually submissive (or been able to be; obviously I was dominant towards him for most of our relationship), but have also always been conflicted and somewhat in denial about it. He wants to push me to figure out what I want and what I am. I think from his perspective I am a self-hating submissive and he wants to teach me to love and be proud of that part of myself.
- He’s very attracted to the idea of the slave who knows her place and occupies it perfectly, who submits graciously and willingly and is beautiful doing it. The idea of taking someone and transforming/training her into that person is very appealing.
- It’s ridiculously hot.
So that’s where we are – just trying this crazy thing. How crazy does it sound, folks? I’m genuinely curious.