Things are very strange in the Dev/Jos household lately. I’m not sure where to start.
So, we broke up, as I’ve discussed recently, and Jos has started seeing this new woman, X. We’ve met and she’s pretty cool. We (Jos and I) were never polyamorous in practice, but we always were, more or less, in theory, so this isn’t that strange. But like I said, we had broken up anyway.
Sometime a couple of weeks ago, I propositioned him for a scene with him on top. He didn’t want to. The next day, we did have a scene like that. I told him, “Please don’t give me any choices,” and he didn’t. It was so deep and so intense for me that I basically…well, I just went there. I submitted to him. It felt permanent even though I knew it was just supposed to be a scene. I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought he was thinking or why. I confirmed that night before bedtime, and again in the morning, that he had just meant it to be a scene and not an ongoing thing. At least I think I did. It was a little painful, the way he answered me – he encouraged me to express any submissive feelings I might have, but nothing was ongoing that way between us.
That next day at lunch, he got annoyed with me, and left early. He called me as I was leaving; he had stayed and wanted to talk to me about the ways I was annoying. I kind of fell apart. Eventually I told him (by writing it on a piece of paper), “I didn’t submit to you for just a scene.” I apologized for it, but he just took me into his arms and basically acceped my submission. He apologized for just talking to me about being annoyed like nothing else was going on.
And we’ve continued on this way since. We’ve switched in the past, of course, so this isn’t entirely new, but the extent to which we are doing it is very new. We’ve deemphasized service, which seems to wear me out quickly, and we’re keeping orgasm control to a minimum because it seems to make me cry a lot (despite being extremely hot), and…wow.
One of the strangest parts is that I’m required to tell him what I want and what I’m feeling with reference to the d/s. This is a very serious requirement; probably my most important task in our relationship right now is to be as transparent as possible. It’s enormously difficult and requires a really high amount of trust. It also requires to Jos to be amazingly controlled and very, very cool – which he is. He earns my trust in spades.
Meanwhile, X is still around, of course. We spent a lot of time talking together (the three of us) last weekend and it was really enjoyable. Life is really interesting when she’s around, and I anticipate some three-way play at some point. There are issues there, too, of course. (Jos and I had a really fascinating conversation the other day about the assumptions I tend to make when she’s around, like that I am the odd man out, rejected or rejectable or uncool or comparatively disliked one, etc.)
I don’t know how long the d/s between us in this direction will last. I don’t know if my interest will fade when the newness wears off. It doesn’t feel like it right now, and some really amazing stuff is going on that doesn’t seem to be exclusively sexual for me, but it’s hard to know for sure. I also don’t know whether it is too hard or wearing for Jos to keep up for a long time. (He says it is not.)
Anyway, that’s where we’re at right now.