I got pretty angry reading Dear Prudence today in Slate. A mom writes in about her 13-year-old son’s pretty innocent glove fetish and is confirmed in all of her fears, while the son is recommended to get a “complete psychological workup” to help him get rid of his natural sexual desires before they destroy his ability to have relationships with normal women (because who could tolerate a partner with a sick, sick fetish like rubber gloves). An excerpt:
Fetishism is a type of paraphilia, a disorder of deviant sexual arousal and behavior. People with fetishes are attracted to inanimate objects—women’s shoes and rubber are two common ones. No one knows what causes it, but it usually begins in childhood or adolescence; some fetishists can remember the moment they first became aroused by the object of their desire. I talked to an expert in paraphilias, Dr. Martin Kafka (here’s a fascinating article about him), a psychiatrist at the Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital. He said you should take action because your son’s fetish is already overwhelming him, and, as your son worries, it may interfere with his ability to have normal relationships.
The only thing wrong with this kid is his mom. When she embarrassed him by catching him, he, “promised to give up gloves forever,” which he has of course failed at. I’m sure he feels anxiety over this fetish, but it’s not the fetish that’s the problem – it’s the anxiety. This kid’s going to grow up thinking his sexuality is broken and wrong and will render him unlovable if he doesn’t stuff it deep, deep down into the recesses of his mind.
All he needs is to be reassured that there’s nothing wrong with liking a little latex glovery in your love life and that a lot of people like weird things. In the meantime, he should relax and enjoy his sexuality like the rest of us do.
The wrongness of Prudence’s response to this really makes me furious. I’m somewhat comforted by the thought of the field day that Maymay is going to have with this one.
It’s frustrating to see the damage done by close-mindedness. I was lucky in that I wrote off what my parents believed was right a long time ago and so it was easy to realize I was who I was and their conservative beliefs did not mean that what I wanted was wrong. Sad to see how many people spend their lives thinking that a harmless fetish is hurting them somehow and end up on meds and in therapy for a non-problem.
Speaking as someone who spent her early twenties mired in a morass of cultural guilt and having to learn that no, my “odd” desires weren’t going to go away and I could, in fact, learn to let myself experience those desires without guilt, this is infuriating. Especially given this weird fear this kid’s mom has going, that Prudence has affirmed, which is that sex and fetishism is some kind of zero-sum game; if you have a fetish, you can ONLY have that fetish, and NOTHING else will satisfy you. Or if you want to have “normal” sexual relationships, that’s ALL you can have. My experience of it is more that indulging one’s fetish makes for a more powerful sexual experience than not, but that sexual experiences without involving one’s fetish are still very much possible and enjoyable. So what the hell is up with this panic of OMG HE’LL NEVER HAVE NORMAL SEX?
Gloves? What a sick pervert that kid is! Good thing they caught it now, before it’s too late. Some happy pills, maybe some shock therapy, and he’ll give up those sick glove thoughts.
Do it now before he starts thinking that women in lingerie are sexy.
I was furious too, but I was also thinking, “maymay’s gotta have this covered”.
The thing that really pisses me off is not so much Prudie, although she’s a twit. It’s Kafka. I read the Lauren Slater article about him in the Times that she linked to. He is _explicit_ about his desire to stop behavior that he describes as not “normal” in order to allow people to enjoy “normal” sexuality. Blarfgahbargh.
Oh, and I agree with you–the only reason I could see that the kid was distressed was because his mom tried to stop the behavior.
It’s such a mild fetish, too. I think you’d have to be a real jackass not to be willing to put on a pair of gloves for your partner if that’s what really got them going. I mean, assuming you didn’t have some anti-latex sexuality, which would be unfortunate.
I think you’d have to be a real jackass not to be willing to put on a pair of gloves for your partner if that’s what really got them going.
Ah, Dev, that’s what they mean by “Good, Giving, and Game.” Unfortunately, a lot of women *are* jackasses when it comes to indulging or accommodating a kink, even mild ones. I have often been appalled at some of the comments I hear from women about the littlest things that their husbands or boyfriends want. And then I begin to wonder what life would be like if I were married to one of them.
:shudders:
I’m comforted by the thought that you thought I’d have a field day with this one. :)
But y’know, you covered it just as well as I could have. I might point this woman to my KinkForAll Providence presentation, in which I discuss my 13-year old anal penetration interest with my toothbrush, but that’s about all I could add to this.
You hit the nail right on the head with this:
Except for the fact that, considering the vehemence of these adults’ fearful response, I do wonder how relaxed they are in their love life….
This is a pretty good article for Kink On Tap, though. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, in any case. :)
Aw, you’re welcome. And apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought of you right away. You are quite the youth sex activist. (Er, a (youth sex) activist, not a youth (sex activist. English needs more parentheses.)
Imagine if this kid gets a hold of a fetish magazine. It’s almost exciting to think of how happy this kid will be someday when he stumbles upon his fetish being practiced by other people. He probably feels very alone now, but someday it’ll be great.
Reminds me of when I was young. I was into magic because they were typically escape artists. I still remember searching the web for handcuffs one day and discovering this whole other world.
Wow, I…read that, and my brain basically exploded inside my head. POW. The inside of my skull doesn’t look pretty right now.
I mean, the oh-dear-what-a-terrible-affliction thing was bad enough…but then I got to the part about people with fetishes also being more likely to have ADD, and my ire just quadrupled.
I would like to do something terribly nasty and non-consensual to that doctor for using my neurology as a scapegoat for the evil of the week AGAIN. I mean, the wiring of my brain is responsible for every other social ill, why not abnormal sex, too? Sure, makes perfect sense.
(Also? Treatment for ADHD – he hasn’t looked at the DSM in a while, apparently – making your sexuality magically vanish? Not true. Shocking, I know.)
It’s such a mild fetish, too. I think you’d have to be a real jackass not to be willing to put on a pair of gloves for your partner if that’s what really got them going. I mean, assuming you didn’t have some anti-latex sexuality, which would be unfortunate.
Or latex allergy! They can be really severe…
But yes, gloves. Seriously, just gloves? Damn, they don’t even get in the way!
FWIW, I had something similar happen when I was 13 and my father caught me masturbating to advertisements of women smoking. While most boys were all looking through a Playboy and Penthouse, I was digging around for Virginia Slims and Benson & Hedges ads.
The good news is, that although I definitely got one of the most awkward talking to in my life, and was directed to tell my therapist about it… and was informed it was generally “not healthy” – over time (especially after my first real relationship) I learned that it really wasn’t all that big a deal.
What’s more, it helped me to get into a more adult mind set and understand that my parents might not always be 100% right about things.
So, even if this is a step backwards in the kid’s sexuality, it might lead towards an eventual leap forwards.
It did for me.