It occurred to me yesterday to wonder if Jos’s fears that his feelings are not enough for me might be projection – as in, the psychological process where you attribute your own feelings or thoughts to others. (I should probably find out someday whether the existence of projection is empirically supported, but at any rate, I find that I engage in it myself relatively often.)
I ask this because what he describes himself as not feeling for me (some “deep feeling of partnership” that he felt in his first, doomed relationship right away) seems nebulous, while what he fears that I don’t feel (owner love) is much more vivid and concrete.
So, Joscelin: do you think you might worry that you don’t feel what I need you to feel because, in fact, you think I might not feel what you need me to feel?
4 responses so far ↓
Nameless // 14 October 2009 at 4:54 pm
On the subject of projection – related and very useful, the communication studies version: the Usual Error.
Joscelin // 14 October 2009 at 8:15 pm
I skimmed the projection link and while I think there may be some truth to it, I think it’s best to just describe (as much as possible given how sleepy I am) the conclusion I came up with.
I experienced a sort of lack of “together-ness” or distance. I was still deliriously happy, so I found this feeling quite confusing. Since I couldn’t interpret it and it was so potentially damaging, I kept it to myself hoping I’d eventually figure it out, and perhaps avoid the damage.
The other night, I think I figured it out. I carry a persistent feeling of needing to sort of “protect” you from my sexuality. I feel that while you obviously like what you have, given the full brunt of it, you’d probably run away. To be honest, I’m pretty sure that this was an accurate assessment in the past. But constantly restraining myself in that manner makes me feel alone. It’s that alone-ness that I was struggling with.
Over time, we’ve been steadily incorporating new things into the relationship, and I’ve been feeling more and more comfortable. As a result, I’ve been feeling a lot closer to you and a lot happier.
This is all missing a lot of detail, but you like comments and you did ask me a direct question. Perhaps we can discuss this more later.
violacious // 15 October 2009 at 12:07 am
I’ve also felt that I shouldn’t reveal the intensity of my desire, and alienated by the feeling that all my efforts at submissive self-management are completely invisible.
Somewhat related: I just read this post by Vesta, and I loved it.
the full brunt! « Devastating Yet Inconsequential // 15 October 2009 at 12:18 am
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