Violacious wrote an amazing post about subjugation as love yesterday. A couple of things she wrote were strongly reminiscent of Joscelin; one of them was this:
Being ruthlessly subjugated is gratifying because it both endorses my devotion, and gives me a (rightful) place to be.
Jos is enormously moved by the idea of having a rightful place to be, and I think it’s a desire that remains largely unsatisfied for him. (It surely doesn’t help that my initial response to the idea, way back when he first started talking about it, was something along the lines of a blank stare.) Giving him a place to be (in a broad sense) is something I can do for limited periods, like at Thunder, when I think about it, but can’t (so far) maintain in everyday life. And so it is part of a great group of things that aren’t continuous in our relationship.
I can’t help but feel that it is somewhat natural that the slave maintains a more continual awareness of the dynamic than does the master. Surely something that can happen without your willing it is more salient than something you have to choose. Every time I walk by a pencil, the pencil knows I may pick it up and use it, but I’m only aware of the pencil if I want to write something; otherwise it is just part of my environment going by. Likewise, I don’t maintain continual awareness of the fact that Jos is my slave, since using him as a slave only happens when I choose it.
And yet the feeling of untapped submission is really hard from the submissive’s side. At least, it was hard for me, and it is hard for Jos. (Perhaps the pencil suffers as well, mutely calling out to me as I callously pass.)
One thing Jos said Sunday night was that he feels that if his submission were truly desired, then surely I would call upon it more often. When watching TV, I might have him kneel between a particular set of commercials, for instance. There are many ways I could call it forth for my enjoyment, if I really do enjoy it. (I do.)
And yet somehow it is not that easy or simple for me. I am not always in the mood to be drawn into a power dynamic exercise, which is all interwoven with sex. Putting him into headspace requires me to maintain an appropriate affect as well. It is like sex – stimulating, exciting, but requiring of special energy and purpose.
The kind of thing commenters would suggest is probably that I make up more rules or protocols – things he could do (would be required to do) on his own, without needing energy from me, that could satisfy this need. And I think he wants those things too. But I fear them turning hollow, and I worry that I won’t keep up my end of the deal by continuing to appreciate and notice and demand them, and then they’ll just become disappointments for him and vague guilty feelings for me.
I don’t know. The submission is beautiful when I get it, and at least in theory I always want more (and I certainly always feel that I want more), but revealed preferences suggest otherwise. I wish I knew how to bridge the gap.
5 responses so far ↓
violacious // 13 October 2009 at 6:52 pm
The desire for a rightful place to be is largely unsatisfied in me, too, and it definitely is not my dominant partner’s responsibility to satisfy it. I think this particular psychological motivator is just a peculiar quirk of me and Joscelin like any other (hmm, there might be quite a few…). It’s just that dominance happens to pull our tensions about that taut, which is hot, and reinforcing.
If there’s no tension, no longing, no anticipation—there’s no desire, so it makes total sense to me that sex power comes in waves. Your pencil metaphor is spot on, but at the same time, the pencils realize that different writing implements are good for different things at different times. They don’t expect anything. They know there’s no sense wearing down graphite and sharpener blades just to make shavings.
I think you just take what’s good for you, when it’s good for you— because you’re marvellous, because you care about building the bridges.
Brian // 13 October 2009 at 8:47 pm
Moderation! Us slaves just have trouble with moderation. We’d love if we could be dominated 24/7. I’d love it if every single day, I was met with a whip and constant demands with extreme supervision. Heck, I get sad thinking about how that isn’t possible. But sad in the same way that I’m sad that vacation doesn’t last forever. The only difference is that vacation doesn’t have hormonal control over me like a sex drive does. BDSM is soo good, but even it must be in moderation.
When I was just really getting into it with my girlfriend (now wife), I’d say “Why can’t I just be tied up while you read.” We actually did this a few times. Without fail, these ended up in fights. Mostly because she would tie me up and leave me, just like I had requested. But in my mind, I wanted tie up to lead to attention which would lead to even more. Selfish really. But that’s how it goes. I was horny, after all.
I whole heartedly agree that extra protocols are not the answer. At least in my case, I’d have some resentment building inside of me the longer the protocols lasted. They’d get more casual, less sexy, less exciting. I’d start testing you by half assing it just to see if you’re paying attention. This just makes things worse for you (the Dom): either you now have to invest a lot of energy enforcing the protocol, or you get a slave that’s upset with you and you feel like a crappy Dom. Bleh.
I think the answer is give and take. I don’t expect my Mistress to tie me up or dominate me all the time. For her part, she doesn’t half ass it when we are in Mistress/slave mode.
Try overwhelming him when it’s time to use him. Hopefully it’ll hold him over in the down time.
sera // 14 October 2009 at 6:12 am
Whoa. I feel like this too (like Vi and Jos). LIGHTBULB!
sera // 14 October 2009 at 6:14 am
Um, also, the pencil metaphor is not working in that, as far as we know, pencils aren’t actually sentient.
I think the better parallel really is with dogs. And that’s all I’m gonna say until I get a chance to post about it, because I feel a long boring narrative coming on . . .
violetwhite // 14 October 2009 at 8:21 pm
reading between the lines…
(This is a follow-up post to my previous entry, a subject for a hard ruler, and Dev’s post, more continuity, please).
Submissives like me and Jos and Sera feel the constancy of our desire to submit, and the infrequency with which it tends to be t…