sex, and a crisis

Joscelin and I spent all day Saturday together, basically having a holiday from life, and then late this afternoon, he came to me, as I watched football, knelt, and let me know that, if I wanted to do anything with him at some point, whatever it might be, he was available.

So a bit later I got some chains and I bound him in a pretty uncomfortable position (wrists and ankles chained behind his back and connected between his legs to a cock ring) and left him on the living room floor at my feet for quite a while, moaning and grunting in discomfort, while I played a video game and watched some more TV.

When I unchained him, we went to my room, where we fucked.  The fucking was intense and awesome – we talked about his helpless position and I hurt his nipples – and then I asked him to distract himself so he could fuck me better without coming, and so I could zone out and just feel the lovely sensation of getting fucked.

At some point it became too much for him and he told me wanted to come, and he begged me to let him come, over and over.  And I said no over and over.  He said that he wanted to disobey me and come anyway, and I told him not to.  (He has never done that.)  He was really unusually frustrated.  When I told him to stop, he protested heartily, even slipping back in at one point.  I think there was some roaring.

I was going to have him fuck me with his fingers while I made myself come with my vibrator, and I usually put nipple clamps on him for that, but when I went to put them on, he begged me not to.  He seemed sincere.

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s not a limit,” he admitted.

“I know,” I said, and put them back down on the table.

He got a little bit upset, distraught maybe, and ended up asking me to put them on him, but I didn’t.  I had my (very explosive) orgasm and then we went into aftercare.

Immediately after lying down he started to cry, and he cried for a long time.  I wanted to hold him tight, but he often doesn’t want to be held in situations like that, so I only touched his arm or head a little bit.  I was keeping myself very calm.

“What are you feeling?” I asked at one point.

“I can’t tell you,” he said.

After a long pause, I said, “If you can’t tell me, it sounds like you should tell me.”

“I can’t tell you yet,” he said.

“OK.”  So I waited.

A long, long, long, and emotional conversation ensued.  When he distracted himself during the fucking, he thought he kind of fell out of headspace, so that he wasn’t where he should have been emotionally to cope with the denial.  And then everything became, for him, a referendum on his submission, and it seemed like I was angry or disappointed a lot of times, even though he didn’t think (as he told me this) that that was true.

“Oh god,” he said at one point.  “You’ll empathize with this.”

“What?”

“I’m thinking about you being angry at me.”

“I’m not.  At all,” I said.

“I know.”

But he was really emotional and distraught.

“I’m going to choose one point on the circle and start there,” he said.  “And when I get to the end” – he traced the circle in the air with his finger – “it’s going to be kind of scary.  But when I start, it’s going to be terrifying.”

“All right,” I said.

I can’t remember the whole circle to distinguish it from the rest of the conversation, but the start, the part that was supposed to be terrifying was something like, “I have always felt there was something missing between us, a deep feeling of partnership that I don’t have with you.  And I had that within two weeks of meeting [his first real girlfriend], and it was why I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.”

I was able to stay really calm through all of this, and able (amazingly) to remember that he was talking about himself and not about me.

He tensed up some more at one point, crying a little, and said, “I’m thinking about how hurt you’re going to be about this when you stop having to take care of me.”  (He knew, of course, that was I staying ultra-calm because we were in aftercare and I was trying to take care of him.)

“You’re, like, playing over what you’ve said to me and hearing how it sounds?” I guessed.

“Yeah, maybe…something like that.”

Jos has a problem, or the sensation of a problem, that I don’t know what to think about.  It came up today and it comes up very occasionally – maybe twice a year or so in a big way.  It seems to be something like this

• there is something missing in his feelings towards me
• he felt that missing thing with the other girlfriend, but maybe just because she was the first one?
• or maybe it’s that he’s only afraid that if I knew what he felt, it wouldn’t be enough for me
• but he’s crazy in love with me and deliriously happy being with me
• or maybe it’s that he is afraid his submissive kind of love is not what I want
• if I understood the submission and the way he really felt, would it be what I want, or just weird, bad, unwanted?
• maybe his fear about that is why he doesn’t feel the deep partnership, and if he could relax then he would feel it

That may have been the content of the circle he described.

I don’t know what to think about this.  Nobody has ever loved me the way that he does, truly, and everything I’ve seen from him tells me that it’s everything I need.  Yet when a man tells you there is something missing in his feelings, I think you should listen.  (In general I think you should always listen to emotional bad news, because it’s probably being understated.)

And yet I know he is also, as he puts it, “a guilt bucket,” and inclined to think that whatever he feels is wrong.

“I’ll never regret this.  Any of it,” I said.  And what I meant (which he understood, but you, dear reader, may not) is that, whatever he feels, and however it turns out, it’s been good for me, it’s been wonderful, and there is nothing I could learn about his feelings that would make that not so.

He felt healed by me saying it.

As for the submissive feelings…I do think that Jos has submissive feelings that aren’t the kind I have when I’m submissive, and that are part of his love for me, and that I don’t fully understand.  But every glimmer I see of those feelings attracts and makes me want more and more of them.  I really do not feel there is any cause to worry that Jos has submissive feelings that I would find unwelcome.

Of course, not finding someone’s feelings unwelcome is not enough, is it?  If you tell someone you love them and they say that’s all right with them, you’ll probably be devastated, and so it’s not really enough for me to be just generally down with Jos’s submissive feelings.  But the evidence from our history and the feeling in my heart is that I want and love those feelings, and don’t merely find them acceptable.

I hypothesized to him that one of the feelings he worries about is his feeling of subjugation to me, which is a kind of alienating feeling that is not really intimate in nature – his love towards me as a distant or impersonal (it’s hard to put into words) tormentor.  And I said that he probably thought I would not like that feeling because it is not intimate and loving in the normal way.

He confirmed that he does have that feeling, and he does worry about it in exactly that way.  And I confirmed that I don’t understand that feeling as a form of love, that at best I can understand being willing to be made to feel that way because you love someone.  And I hurt him by saying that, but we both know this honesty is the only path forward.  But hurting him made me cry from pent up emotion over the whole conversation and because, in that moment, the idea of him being hurt through (perceived) rejection of his submissive feelings was just a horrible thing to contemplate.  I never want that.

“We just leveled up,” he said afterwards.

I feel spent, drained, like I spent all day crying.  But I don’t think things are bad or that there was any actual bad news in all of that, and fortunately it is bedtime.