Richard gets comments on a lot of his blogs from men asking how they can meet a dominant woman, or a woman who will spank them, or a woman who will make them wear panties, etc. What kind of surprises me about this isn’t that people want to know (there are a ton of lonely people in the world trying to meet others) so much as that they think there could be an answer. But, you know, as a blatant attempt to get search traffic, I will try to answer the general question: how do you meet (and attract) a dominant woman?
1. Seek a person, not a fetish object.
If, when you meet women, you immediately size them up for sexual potential, wonder if they would like you to kneel for them, and try to inject them into your sex fantasies, it may be harder for you to connect to them. Most women are not looking at you in the same way, and will need to get to know you, and be attracted to you as a person first. I know I hate when it seems like a man is just looking to use me to get off in some way (for instance, if we start talking via IM and it sounds like he’s trying to solicit wank material from me). View women as whole people and engage with them on that level.
2. Go to where there are people.
If you do not meet people in general, you will not meet kinky people either. If you can go to a BDSM munch or club, then most of the people you meet there will be kinky, which is a good start. If you have other interests, then join clubs or do group activities related to those interests, so that when you meet women you will immediately have something in common to talk about.
Meeting people online is also an option. You can either try online dating through a dating site (I like okcupid) or you can try something like Second Life where you can meet people and hang out with them online. (There is a ton of bdsm activity and interest on Second Life.)
3. Have some style.
Whether you’re walking into a bdsm club, a Habitat for Humanity project, or a nightclub in Second Life, try to have some style. You don’t have to dress up in bdsm gear (even for a bdsm club), but if you can dress and groom in a way that says something about you, or that makes you look attractive or interesting, you will definitely attract more attention. Women (in my experience) appreciate all kinds of clothes on men – cheap suits, black leather pants, a soft plaid button-down shirt, a neatly pressed collar, you name it – so play to that.
4. Think about your audience.
Most of us spend a lot of time thinking about what kinds of people we’re attracted to, but tend to neglect the opposite – what kinds of people we might be attractive to. If there is no overlap in these two groups – if you’re exclusively interested in the types of women who probably wouldn’t return your interest – you should think about trying to change either your preferences or yourself. Be realistic, but don’t write off your own potential to attract. A schlubby math dork might be just great for an awesome math dorkina, and then you can talk happily about dork things together. (I’m a dork myself; don’t think I’m picking on you.) Different people are attracted to all different qualities, and humans are hard-wired to find mates. But don’t be a Comic Book Guy who is only attracted to teensy cute little goth girls.
And, further to “have some style” above, if you’re interested in a particular type, and you are that type, then dress like it.
5. Listen.
Humans are suckers for being listened to. People want to feel heard and understood. If you can ask meaningful and intelligent questions (appropriate to the level of conversation), so much the better. And if you remember what is said, you can use it to impress and attract people later.
6. Remember that most sexuality is fluid.
Don’t assume that what someone initially tells you about themselves is the bottom line for all time, and don’t assume that your own preferences can’t or won’t change over time either. People adapt, change, and grow in response to their lovers. If you like someone, work with them to develop a mutually satisfying sexuality unique to the relationship.
7. Be positive.
When you meet someone, don’t start telling them all the things you hate in the world, your peeves, all the women who done you wrong, and so on. Nobody wants to be with someone like that, or to have to imagine right away how the person will complain about them later. Talk about things you like.
That’s about all the advice I have. There isn’t some Yellow Pages where all the doms looking for boyfriends are listed, nor some mall where we all hang out hoping to pick up guys we can dress up. But all kinds of people are out in the world looking for someone to be with.
Please share your own tips in the comments!
I agree with your “sexuality is fluid” tip. When Boy Toy and I met, I was little Miss Vanilla and he was Mr. Experienced Sub (and even Dom, he’s done a bit of that too). He let me know he liked kinky stuff, without going into details too much, and that it was important for him if there was to be a relationship. Otherwise, he was still up for plain old regular sex, so we decided to try that and see where things went.
It definitely piqued my curiosity and before long we were talking about kinky stuff all the time. It felt exciting and daring to me, as if we were partners in crime sharing a dirty secret. Lots of fun!
I imagine the same recipe might not work in every situation, but just because someone has never been kinky doesn’t mean they should be written off.
I agree with nos. 1 and 6. Also, I would look for someone who seems sexy, but refrain from badgering her with sexual innuendo. I remember a guy I knew whom I now realize was probably submissive (based on his offers to massage my feet and go down on me without any reciprocity at all). He would have gotten much farther with me if he could have put a lid on the constant stream of sexual jokes. I feel like a lot of guys feel the need to do this to impress–and I certainly do it when nervous, so it’s not just them. But if you find a person who is sexy but doesn’t need to make a production out of it, chances are that in time you’ll find that she is willing to experiment a lot.
I have no idea if that made any sense because I am only quasi-conscious, but anyway I like your list. :)
I have to definitely agree with number 6. My wife and I met in high school, and back then she was very hesitant to try anything beyond vanilla sex. Still, I was persistent, and patient, and made sure that whatever trust she put in me was not wasted and now, 8 years later she’s taken full control of me and we’ve gone beyond where my fantasies thought I would ever get.
In short, persistence and patience are key, with trust as a big requirement.
Just to clarify, I don’t think you should assume that over a period of years you can convert someone to your desired sexuality. It happens to work out for some, which is fine, but it’s often painful and unfair to the partner who finds their relationship basically ransomed in that way.
What I really meant is, don’t write off someone to date just because you don’t know whether they share your kink interests, or because they’ve tended to play another way.
Right. It all goes back to “get to know her as a person”. If you do that, you’ll find out whether she’s a person who is pretty fixed in her sexuality (because she knows what it is or because she doesn’t want to try other things) and a person who is open to new stuff–and of course a person who is dominant. But there aren’t shortcuts, I think is the point, in getting to know someone.
Got a few ideas that I could add:
1) “Hunt where the game is.” Sorry for the crass reference, but if you’re looking at a church social, you may be successful, but it’s pretty much a shot in the dark. Look where Dominant women who are looking themselves are: BDSM groups, playspaces, online, whatever. Too many sub men, I believe, let their fantasies of what women they see could be predominate, but don’t take the initiative to actually go out and look. More than just a numbers game, the women in these spaces (a) already have sex and BDSM somewhat in mind given the setting, and (b) may be as likely to be looking themselves as you are.
2) Be courteous. One of the best, easiest and most subtle ways to signify that you are sub, and moreover that you might be a good sub, is good manners and courtesy. Good Dommes are usually very mindful of protocol. In fact, they’re often as observant about protocol from other Dominants as they are from subs (consider this if you are or might be dealing with a switch, btw). There’s no need to be obsequious or fulsome, and it’s generally inappropriate to attempt to serve a Lady or to call Her “Mistress” until you’ve worked out some sort of negotiation, but keeping a set of manners sort of along the lines of being, say, a classical “Southern gentleman”: hold doors open, call people “Sir” and “Ma’am”, mind your “please” and “thank you”, avoid profanity, and the like, usually won’t steer you wrong.
3) Remember that you can still be a man and She can still be a woman. Too many sub guys assume that they must or should act like spineless slugs or that all Dommes will want to lord it over such a thing. Granted, some will and do want subs like that, but many don’t, and making that determination follows getting to know someone and seeing if you are compatible with them. A large number, possibly even a majority, of Dommes are highly attracted to men who are capable of being masculine and assertive yet who can and do choose to submit to Them and Them alone (and this probably goes even moreso for switches). These Dommes are attracted to the possibility of owning and having someone strong and capable as theirs. It makes the gift of submission all the more special to Dommes who want this. Some (gasp!) may even want to be on the bottom at times if your relationship comes to involve penetrative sex. Also, just the fact that a woman is or may be a Domme does not mean that norms of courtship and general principles about what women find appealing and how they want to be pursued are inapplicable. (In fact, many Dommes are surprisingly downright conservative on this score.) It’s often perfectly okay, even necessary, to pursue the way a man generally does to show interest before She is going to reciprocate, if She is at all. If you’re reading this, it probably isn’t that Dominant women are beating down your door anyway.
4) Don’t assume too much either about yourself or about a potential Domme. Be tolerant and open to new possibilities. Don’t (completely) judge a book by its cover. BDSM and D/s is a learning experience for everyone. You are likely to find things appealing to you that you never assumed that you would. So is She. You both may find that what Y/you truly wanted and needed once Y/you found it turned out to be very different from what Y/you assumed it would be. It’s good to have an idea of who you are and what you want and to communicate this well, and it’s essential to listen and observe to get to know a potential Domme; but always be prepared for the likelihood that things are going to change for both of Y/you. Painting too much of a picture in your head of who She is and what She does is not only not terribly submissive (find a ProDomme if you want fantasy on demand), but it will foreclose options that you never considered. By the same token, don’t be afraid to pursue (respectfully and non-creepily) if you are sure She may have what you’re looking for. See number (3) above.
Oh, I meant to add another thing:
(5) Be honest. Trust is the essential key to BDSM, a sine qua non. If you are dishonest about who you are, it will come out, and you are setting yourself up for failure in the worst possible way. Be who you are, where you are, with what you’ve got, and enjoy the opportunity and the probability that someone out there is going to appreciate that.
One more thing, Please know your Protocol when approaching a Domme. Know your position.
Walk my way and I will lead you astray of the path most taken into the land of sweet slavery.
A land where I am Mistress Kajun, Master and Trainer and you are devoted, obedient and loyal as my sweet little slave. It is a land where you live a life dedicated to me and my pleasure, because my pleasure is yours even when painful for you.
It is presumptuous to assume that a person, by virtue of a submissive sexual preference, has a “position” to know in regard to any generic dom. And while some doms may appreciate special courtesy displayed towards them, others may feel that you are being presumptuous.
If they could follow rule #1 that would make a huge difference. I’ve met several men who said they wanted to meet me but when they got the chance they couldn’t stop talking about BDSM and what I could do to them. As if I were a sexy toy they could order out of a catalogue. I have very few second dates when I try to meet male submissives.