today

I’ve had a really rough week.  We lost (maybe, or at least for the moment) some friends, in a way that was really painful, and I was basically depressed all week.  And although in some ways my life is excellent and I have lots of exciting plans for the future, in other ways my life relentlessly tries to suck.  And I got really tired and underlspet.  And blah blah blah.

However, Joscelin and I had some nice marvelous sex today, so instead of whining about my life, I’ll write about that.

At around 12:30, I asked him if he’d eaten lunch yet (I only got up at noon), and asked if he’d like to “go have lunch and then come back and have horrible, dirty monkey sex.”  He gave his assent and we had some Italian food (from a non-chain, even) and then…yes, sex!

He had mentioned the hotness (or depth, perhaps) of the idea of having his hands tied behind his back while being leashed, so I wanted to try that.  (Hint: scenes go better if they include elements that the bottom really loves.)  I had Jos stand and wait for me in my room for a while, naked and wearing the locking collar, and then I cuffed his hands behind his back, attached a leash, and had him kneel in front of me while I sat on the bed.

He had a hard-on even before I came into the room, which was nice, and he was very responsive to everything that I did, so I was really aroused when I had him kneel.  We spent some time kissing and I just generally wanted to pet and devour him.  Absorb him through my skin.  Eat him up.

Then I told him, “OK…I am going to use your leash to put you in an uncomfortable position and then I am going to hit you with the quirt.  I want you to enjoy it.  <pause as I consider the implications>  It’s not your responsibility to enjoy it…I just want you to know my intentions.  And then I’ll make you fuck me.  Oh, and I’m going to gag you.  Do you have any questions or concerns?”

There was a very long pause, during which I became concerned that he hadn’t heard the question.  But that seemed implausible, so I just waited, touching him a little bit.

“Yes,” he said.

“OK.”

“I want you to make me not enjoy it,” he asked.

“Why is that?”

“Because I want to have to endure it for you.”

I thought for a while.  I of course always want to basically beat the crap out of him no matter what, yet this is often unwise, and I have to remain vigilant against taking things too far when he says something like that.  Eventually I said, “I’m going to start my way, but I will keep in mind what you said and see how it goes.”

“Thank you, Mistress.”

I put the plug gag into his mouth and secured it with the strap.

We have all of our toys in a large rolling tool chest now.  It’s convenient because it’s a little easier to put things away than it used to be, and the tool chest can sit next to my window with a blanket on top and not be too annoying in the room.  However, I had a different use for it today.

I moved it to a convenient spot, doubled up Jos’s leash (so that it hung about to his cock, rather than all the way to the floor), opened the lid of the chest, pulled him down to a bending position  (similar to a good morning exercise, though his hands were cuffed together behind his back and he was not holding a weight), and caught the leash inside the chest lid so that it was fairly firm and he could not straighten his back without moving the chest.

It was rather cruel.

I did a very small amount of warm-up with the quirt and then I basically gave him pretty hard strokes with plenty of time to process inbetween.  What he told me later was that most of the ‘hard’ strokes did not feel hard at all, though I did get him once in a way that scared him with its sudden intensity, and at that point he safeworded (grunted three times) and I took off the gag so we could talk through it.

I also put nipple clamps on him, and I played with his cock some, trying to keep things on the very sexual side for him.

After the scare with the harder-than-expected stroke, he started to lose energy fast.  The position he was in was very hard to maintain, putting a lot of strain on his hamstrings and some on his back.  And I could tell he was losing his ability to continue by the fact that, when I stroked his cock, he no longer got hard.  So I gave him a couple more strokes and released the leash from the toolbox lid so that he could stand up.

I spent some time petting him then, and I asked him if he was OK.  (I wanted to ask him how he was feeling, but I know that in headspace he can’t give detailed verbal answers like that, so I think I refrained.)

He said (either before or after I released the leash) something like, “All of the intensity is fantastic, but there is only so much intensity I can handle, so…you’re doing perfect, basically.”  That doesn’t sound very reassuring when I read it in print like that, but what I took from it in the moment was that, although he was having a very hard time, he was essentially also having a good time, which was what I needed to know.

At this moment, when you realize that your scene partner is kind of “done” (stick a fork in him), there is always a question, at least if your partner is submissive in the style of Jos.  If you just say, “OK, you’re done,” they might feel bad, thinking that they’ve let you down or forced you to stop.  And of course they might just want more despite not being able to handle much more.  I knew Jos was grateful that I had let him stand up, and he was extremely tired, but I didn’t want to end on exactly that note.  So I had him stand and face me while I quirted his nipples, one hard stroke each, after several fairly light practice strokes so that I could get my aim.

Then I removed his cuffs and we lay down together.

He was exhausted, so I let him lie there for a few minutes.  I was just turned on and enjoying him.  I felt a slight selfish non-caring about his exhaustion, in the face of wanting to fuck him, and I felt that it was all right to indulge that, and that he would want me to.  But I did give him a few mintues to rest before I said, “I’m ready.”

The fucking itself was pretty good.  Somehow we had this minty condom left over from a few packs ago – the kind that is tingly in case you want your vagina to be tingled – and that wasn’t ideal, but it was interesting.  The motion itself felt really good.  And Jos was able to do it despite being tired.

I knew I was willing to let him come, but I wondered if he would feel disappointed.  I’m usually willing to let him be denied if that’s what he wants (which is partly why I find it irresistible when he begs me not to let him come, even if I’ve forced him to do it).  So I said, “Beg me…either to let you come or not.  Your choice.”

And he begged me to let him come.

“Come,” I said, and, as so often, was seized with a sudden desire to tear his arms off, or something, make him pay, and I grabbed his nipple really hard with my fingernails as he came.

And then he laughed a little bit, almost ruefully, and I laughed, and he tried to get off and roll to his side of the bed and his arm almost gave out and he was really done.  And I pointed out that it was aftercare and I let him recover.

“I can’t move,” he said at one point.

“You don’t have to move,” I said.

“Oh.  Oh…that’s good.”

It was really great to finally get to have some detailed, complicated, messed-up, sick, dirty, cruel, ridiculous sex.