Can we please, please retire this concept?
Listen, there is such a thing as being an asshole in bed, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. These types of behavior might make you an asshole (depending on context):
- constantly insisting on getting your own way
- not letting your partner finish the sex equivalent of a thought before correcting them
- trying to force your partner to do things they don’t like and don’t choose
- pouting or whining that things aren’t exactly to your liking
- giving your partner long lists of changes you’d like them to make
- refusing to play along with any idea you haven’t thought of yourself
When bottoms do things like this, it’s sometimes called “topping from the bottom.” But the behavior listed above is equally obnoxious from a top or dom.
Listen to your partner. Give them space to try things. Be “good, giving, and game” (as Dan Savage puts it). Be willing to try things yourself. Prioritize your constructive criticism and give it at a pace your partner can handle. Recognize your partner as a fellow human being with their own needs and desires, which have an equal claim to be fulfilled.
And, whatever side you are on, don’t worry about “topping from the bottom.” If you’re worried that you’re impossible for your top to satisfy, work on that. If you’re distracted by your bottom’s constant comments, talk about that. But let’s get rid of this concept that I’m pretty sure causes a lot more stress, grief, and reluctance to communicate than it could ever possibly be worth.
I think the concept has completely lost whatever meaning it might have once had.
Besides, I can see topping from the bottom as a valid dynamic and enjoyable between people. For instance, playing out a scene where there are explicit roles, but there being an underlying current of role reversal. Cuz paradoxes and juxtapositions are fun, y’know?
Hear! Hear!
This is one of my biggest rants. Thanks for being so succinct.
WORD.
EXCEL!
Dude. You got linked by Mistress Matisse.
Thanks for pointing that out. The link is here if anyone would like to read it. (And if you came from there, hi!)
Go you! And I agree. It should be (for me and my partners) about feedback, not being an asshole in either direction, and fun.
Woot. I want to print this out, laminate it, and pass it around at munches. :D
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Fantastic post!
Would it be OK with you if I copied the majority of it (with attribution and link, of course) to my own blog, which deals with BDSM and abuse?
Yes, that’s fine – and thanks!
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i think there s a kind of “topping from the bottom”, which is just a healthy and common dynamics of “BDSM romance”, as you describe it.
there is also a sense, in certain relationships, where bottom eg. would have the feeling this top is to weak for her/him; this could be a “topping from the bottom”, which leads to nobody´s content …
in any case: once tops are making statements or initiating verbal discussions using this concept, in fact tops are too weak ….
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