I’m not sure what is going on with Joscelin and me. I am, in fact, not sure whether, from his perspective, things are strange or wrong at all, or whether it’s just me. And somehow I can’t seem to bring up the conversation because, well, in some ways things are just fine and kind of nice and relaxing. We’re getting along pretty well, there is affection and liking, we aren’t fighting particularly.
But there’s definitely no sex happening. He currently hasn’t been allowed to have orgasms for the past five days, with some other restrictions, but I haven’t seen any signs of horniness or sexual interest. And I haven’t really expressed any myself, though it comes up in my mind from time to time.
I’ve been pretty lax about enforcing anything d/s-wise, or even (sometimes) remembering (it must seem) that we’re even doing d/s. I wonder if this is bothering Jos or not.
I feel like I should initiate and try to put some sex back in our relationship, but so far I…haven’t.
Obviously I should talk to him. I really want to know what’s going on between us, from his perspective. Is this friendly, not-so-sexual relationship all right? Perhaps posting this is a way of finding out.
9 responses so far ↓
Joscelin // 3 July 2009 at 10:09 pm
I’ve noticed the same thing, obviously. I mean, it’s tough to miss.
The reason I’m not horny is actually pretty simple: I’m not masturbating. That’s because I’m not supposed to when not wearing my collar, and having not worn it in weeks, it feels weird emotionally to put it on and is a bit of a bother as well. I’m also a little troubled by how long the mark on my neck has lasted, and that kind of thing never makes it easy.
While I share your concerns, I also know that I’ve had a lot of space to use these last couple of weeks, and have put it to good use. I don’t feel anywhere near as hopelessly behind on life as I did a while ago, and it’s a really nice feeling. I feel much more like I actually have some time to devote to the people in my life now.
Finally, though I usually fight it, I always wait for your permission and invitations to submit. Part of that comes from a desire to submit when and if you want me to, and part of it comes from the fact that nothing is so reassuring of the fact that you want to own me than when you take control of a situation completely unasked and unbidden. And yes, the times you’ve done that this week have been really meaningful for me.
Tom Allen // 4 July 2009 at 5:55 am
All this over five days?
You know, sometimes it’s okay to not have sex for a few days because you’ve got other things on your mind. Really.
sera // 4 July 2009 at 6:30 am
Er well Tom it sounded to me like the situation has been going on fer a couple of weeks: “I also know that I’ve had a lot of space to use these last couple of weeks.” And like the last post was two weeks ago. And Jos apparently hasn’t worn his collar in weeks. Which for me would qualify as long enough to wonder what was up.
/end compulsive close reading
Tom Allen // 4 July 2009 at 6:41 am
Maybe it’s because my perspective has changed with age. When I was 20, I couldn’t imagine more than a few days without. But at 50, I know that life stresses will sometimes overshadow sex, and so not having it for a week or two doesn’t mean that something is “wrong”, it simply means that other things are happening.
pastrychef // 4 July 2009 at 7:52 am
Dev- You’ve said yourself that being a full-time dominant feels like a lot of work for you. Perhaps you took advantage of Jos’s being busy to give yourself a rest as well. It may be that being “on” 24/7 is really more than you want to handle, either right now or at all.
Is the no sex happening because you’re too tired? Not interested? Distracted? When your sleep cycles were out of alignment you mentioned it was hard to get sex in, because Jos was collapsing so erratically. You set up something of a schedule then-can you do that again?
You had also posted that the relationship itself was feeling like something you needed to put effort into, in a way you hadn’t noticed before. Perhaps, as the need to make rules and develop protocols and so on fell away, the feeling of getting an immediate reward for the effort, or of having a goal in sight was lost. Now it’s not so much of a puzzle as a routine. Puzzles retain interest, routine shrugs it off.
violacious // 4 July 2009 at 12:38 pm
For me, my libido (by which I mean both physical horniness and power dynamic intensity, although these components of my drive don’t always peak at the same time) tends towards a fertile/fallow cycle. So I find it comes very easily and quickly and deeply and strongly some of the time, and at other periods it ebbs away. I’m like this on a monthly basis (hormones) and on a seasonal basis as well, and right now I’m in an affectionate, calm, easy, fallow period power-exchange-wise (although my feelings that way have not diminished in any way–my desire and confidence to pour them out in writing has, temporarily), and in a warm, friendly, sexy, vanilla-ish space, physical sexing wise.
I’m not concerned about it at all, because I’ve come to realize that that’s just how I am, it’s just how I work. I can feel the coming pull towards becoming completely, smokily submissive in September, and I do feel tugs of it all the time. But right now it’s nowhere near as all-consuming as it gets when the weather cools off.
Summer is sometimes just a good lazy time to relax. I wouldn’t worry. It seems like Jos is feeling more carefree, which is probably very healthy. I think submissives need lightness and ease some of the time, and while it might feel a bit like a slight, it’s not–it’s just a natural spreading out before things can get all gathered up tight again.
/my take :)
devastatingyet // 4 July 2009 at 3:31 pm
Yes, Tom, just to clarify, it’s been a couple of weeks or more since we had sex – I’m not worrying about five days! :-) And it’s not so much the not-having-sex that worries me as the general kinds of feelings I have and don’t have.
Thanks for the comments, everyone :)
Goose // 4 July 2009 at 5:26 pm
My few cents? I have been with Gander for 16 years. Some of that has been wild and passionate, some of that has been tired and sleepy, some of that has been irritated, some has been vanilla, some kinktastic. You get the idea. I just think that things ebb and flow. They just do and its ok. Maybe this is your first big moment of that, of the relationship shifting, though perhaps not in a bad way.
Anyway, I hope you all relax and have a good weekend and enjoy each other.
Elle // 4 July 2009 at 7:26 pm
I agree with Tom and Goose. I think it’s normal that relationships go through phases. And for the record, Dev, I’m in a similar place right now. We don’t have as much sex, and I have been feeling… bleh. I’ve been questioning our relationship a lot. I’m not actually very happy, lately. But… I think it’ll come back.
I haven’t had that many long-term relationships, and this, 2 years, is one of the longest. I’m sure though that if you ask someone who’s been at it for 10, 15 or 20 years, they’ll tell you that of course they had rough times, dry patches, times where they thought they should end it, etc. The hard part is just accepting that maybe this is normal, and keep going on.
Just my take on it ;)