two control freaks walk into a dungeon…

I have probably referred to myself as a control freak on this blog before.  Joscelin also calls himself a control freak quite a bit.  Oddly, we seem to have non-overlapping control-freakish tendencies.

I think Jos needs to feel that things around him, immediately affecting him, are under, if not his control exactly, then under some control that he understands. respects, and agrees with.  If the rules of behavior are under-defined or change mysteriously, if his personal space is invaded, if unexpected things happen, then he becomes very uncomfortable.  He does not like surprises.  He wants time to prepare mentally for things that are going to happen.  He startles easily.  (Yes, these are all tricky qualities to manage when you also have a submissive sexuality.)

I am not much like that at all.  Instead, I expect other people – and the closer they are to me, the more this is true – to do what I would do.  If my lover picks up a tool and then proceeds to hold it in a (to my eyes) awkward way instead of the “right” way, I find myself irritated.  If I hear a repetitive beeping noise caused by someone doing something, and I don’t know what the something is, I have to control my tendency to become irate, to demand, “What the hell are you doing?”  (“Programming the Tivo.”  “Oh, OK, sure, that makes sense.”)

I don’t actually care about the space I’m in, or (really) about how most things are done, once it’s all over.  Make me a PB&J sandwich and I won’t care about the ratio of ingredients or whether the bread is cut straight or diagonally.  But heaven forbid you try to get the peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon (wouldn’t a knife be easier?), or look like you’re going to forget to put the jelly back in the refrigerator.

I think the ideal for someone with a service kink like Jos’s would be someone who cared to have things a certain way, and who was able to be clear about that, but who didn’t quibble about means.  But I am kind of annoying (including to myself, since obviously I actually get to feel all of this pointless irritation and controllingness) instead.

I also worry about things that are clearly another person’s lookout.  Does he know he’s about to run out of milk?  Will he remember to fill out the form to graduate?  Has he called his mom for Mother’s Day?  All kinds of bullshit like that.

I control this pretty well.  (Well, I think I do, considering.  Joscelin may well disagree.  It requires sympathetic interpretation, at the very least, to think so.)  I use these techniques:

• Looking away / purposely not paying attention.
• Reminding myself, “It’s not my problem.”  (We have lately been joking with this line to each a lot lately, saying, “That is not my problem” in response to just about any utterance.  I think it’s actually helping.)
• Re: life tasks, also reminding myself that I don’t want to be with someone who only accomplishes basic things like graduating, getting a job, filing taxes, etc., as a result of being mothered by his girlfriend.  (He does handle things, incidentally.  This is about me, not him.)
• Just shutting the fuck up.

The main thing is that my general determination not to say crazy controlling things means I sometimes convince myself that the situation is completely out of my hands, and then I can usually relax and let go.  Sometimes a sense of futility is exactly what’s needed in life.