more please

All right.  Now I am kind of back in that space of just wanting more dominance, wanting to have things done to me, wanting to be used, and so on.  It’s a good place, but this time around I am going to work hard on not being a pest and on respecting and being a good friend to my (tired, space-needing) partner.

One of the (few) terms of the present arrangement is that I am to call him “Sir” or “Master” at times that it’s appropriate.  I found myself resisting doing this earlier, which kind of happened the last time we switched as well, in the beginning.  I will hear times that I should say it, and I intentionally don’t, because it’s kind of embarrassing to do it, because I just kind of can’t make the word come out of my mouth.

It’s degrading.

It’s degrading to call someone Master.  Or Sir.  It’s degrading to mean it.

(I speak for myself, of course.)

It’s not humiliating.  It’s not meant to make me feel bad about myself, and it doesn’t.  But it is humbling.  It is degrading in that it involves a lowering of my grade, my place on the scale in the relationship.  And it’s meant to be that way.  That’s what it’s for.  That’s what makes it hot.  I deeply love doing it, but it’s hard to go there.

I let Joscelin know earlier that I’d been avoiding saying it.  I hadn’t said it all evening, in fact, though I’d had plenty of opportunities.

He asked me why I hadn’t, and I said what I’ve written here, that it’s kind of embarrassing.  That it’s degrading.

“I don’t think you should do that,” he said.  “I don’t think you should avoid saying it when you feel it would be appropriate to.  It’s meant to be degrading.”

“Yes, Sir,” I said.

“Do you want me to punish you for it?” he asked.

I hesitated.  Ultimately I told him that I thought that he probably should – that being punished would have the effect of coercing me into doing it, and that doing it would be both hot and beneficial to the dynamic we want to cultivate.  And I had known that I should do it all along, so punishing me would be appropriate.

And he did.

Afterwards we stood together for a long time, and I relished feeling afraid of him – feeling afraid of his potential energy and his power over me and the look of ownership in his eyes.  He felt concerned by my fear, because if he were afraid like me, it would mean I was about to break him.  But it’s just how I work.  It wasn’t a sign of anything gone wrong, but just a kind of delicious foreplay for me.  If I got too scared it would be trouble, but I know how to calm myself, especially when nothing actually that scary is happening.

He looked sexy and beautiful and I longed madly to suck on his nipple, or his cock.  He kissed me and went to spend some time alone.  I let him.

as the world turns…

Joscelin has been talking lately about feeling confused by our recent round of switching, and not very submissive.  I think we’ve had some nice scenes, though now that he’s started working we’ve had less time together.  But the last time he brought up this confusion, he admitted he was asking for my help, though he didn’t know how I might help him.

Last night, this came up again.  He’s been fantasizing about topping me, a lot, and that’s been diminishing his submissive feelings.  He was really feeling in the mood to own someone, which happens sometimes and usually leads to him mailing people on collarme (to no avail, so far).  He said he saw two ways forward – for me to either tell him (about switching) “no, and not for a while” or maybe for us to switch for a while.

What’s confusing is that it means a lot to both of us for my ownership of him to be “real”, but at the same time we are clearly both switches.  And you can sort of solve this with polyamory, but we don’t have time/energy to meet new people, and in any case, for me at least, I want to do those things with him.

After he had talked a bit, he asked me for my thoughts.  I was self-conscious.  I told him I had thought the other day about what would happen if he asked for us never to switch again, and found that it was a very sad thought, that I would never submit to him again.  I haven’t ever before had the experience of submitting to someone who really loves me, and having that with Jos was really special, and I hated to think of it never happening again.

At the other extreme, the idea that we could just be switches, and switch back and forth more or less freely, also feels like a loss.  I have all kinds of self-image and ego and past practice and … “stuff” … tied up in the idea that I really do own him, and our arrangement isn’t just incidental.  I mean, I don’t have to believe that I own him because I’m intrinsically better/stronger/more dominant, but I do like that I really do own him and it’s not just a momentary convenience.

What I also said was that, it was clear to me all along that I could never be his submissive really, full time, forever…until the last time we switched.  That time, I could see how it could go on and on, and be deep for me.  A part of me wanted it to.

What a muddle.

He wanted to own me, he said.  He wanted to try owning me for a while, without the sense that it would end soon and thus that things had to be crammed in and compacted because the time was short.

I was, on the one hand, not really in the mood to switch, but on the other hand, turned on by hearing him talk.  It was very seductive even though he was pretty much just straightforwardly talking.  He was also bringing up a lot of fears for me.

Eventually, he asked me if I would do it – if I would let him own me.

And I agreed.

After dinner, he held me for a while for reassurance (I was overcome with insecurity, possibly from being a bit underslept this week), and then watched as I shaved my pussy (at his order; this is not something I ever do, or would do, under normal circumstances).  And then he chained my hands to the eybolt and fucked me, which was very exciting.

Except during the fucking, I felt oddly oppositional most of the evening.  I was not particularly interested in doing any submitting that was not demanded of me.  And after the fucking, I felt kind of flat emotionally.  A bit depressed, maybe.  The thought of being owned made me feel tired.  But then, I was tired, right?  So that made sense.  I tried not to draw any conclusions from my momentary feelings.

Today I feel…mixed.  On the one hand, being owned, which I am reminded of partly by the shaved pussy, feels like a very sexy and exciting secret.  Thinking about future scenes, sex, or tasks gives me feelings in the range from excited to scared.  (I am scared to be pushed too hard.  I know what it is to really push someone and I am afraid to be on the receiving end of it.)

The greater sense of reality this time – the sense that we’re not just switching for a few days, but for “a while” – brings up other feelings.  Something that made me cry when I was feeling insecure last night was the thought that I don’t know how to recognize Jos’s love from this side.  I usually get his loving feelings through beautiful subbie eyes and all that goes along with that.  I will miss my slave, and I no longer feel that he’s nearby, just on the other side of a thin barrier.

So I guess I just do not know how this will go.  It was fabulously delicious the last time we switched, and this time I do feel some of that, but not quite the full shebang.  Will it grow on me?  Or will I not be able to continue doing it?  What kinds of thoughts can I think, and which ones should I avoid dwelling on, in order to increase the chances of success here?

And I am struck, as always when we switch, by how much easier being the submissive is in some ways, and how much harder in others.

I guess we’ll see.