not other than I am

After Jos and I first met (in a dungeon, for the record), I remember talking to him online about why d/s relationships can’t really work and be intimate in the way that I want relationships to be.  It was clear to me that, in order to dominate someone, you would have to portray an image of strength, stability, and confidence, and thus you wouldn’t be able to share your weak inner parts with your submissive partner.  The submissive one, it seemed to me, would get the unconditional caring and love and understanding, but the dominant one would have to stifle their own neediness.

I had to learn, early in our relationship and maybe even a little bit before that, that it wasn’t like that.  And it still sometimes amazes me how much it really isn’t like that at all.  You do not have to be all strength and confidence to dominate someone.

Last night after some good sex/scene, I had a little bit of drop (felt myself starting to want to cry) and eventually curled up inside Joscelin’s arms and said, “I need that part where you’re big and I’m small.”  So he held me and then, feeling insecure (as I often do during post-scene drop), I said, “Is it OK to need that?”

“Absolutely,” he said.  And then after a bit, “You know, I only need you to need what I need you to need…I don’t need you not to need what I don’t need you to need.”

And it’s a damn good thing, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  As far as vulnerability and insecurity go, it’s a good thing if you can keep your shit together during a scene.  I make myself be tougher than I naturally am during scenes so that I can carry them out and make them go well.  If I fell apart emotionally, he would help me out, of course, but if it were a regular thing, it would limit how deep we could go together.

But the fact that I don’t have to be anything I’m not is really deeper than this issue of emotional vulnerability.  I used to feel like my own submissive sexuality would be bad for Jos to be aware of, but it’s not.

And, of course, it goes without saying that I can get fucked however I want.  (This particular observation – that a dominant woman can get fucked however she wants – fits into at least two different “myths about d/s” categories.  Being penetrated is not intrinsically submissive, and there is no particular thing you need to forgo in order to dominate someone.)

But in general, what still amazes me a bit is that Jos really does see me realistically as a person.  He doesn’t see me as some kind of remote über-dom, or put me on any kind of pedestal.  If he ever had, things probably wouldn’t have worked out, since I am, after all, just a regular person-type person.  But I feel really seen in a way that is important to me.

I wonder if this is a fear that other women have, especially women who might like to try dominating someone.  If I dominate him I won’t be able to cry in his arms.  If I dominate him I will have to act confident and controlling all the time.  If I dominate him I won’t be able to tell him when I get scared.  If I dominate him I have to act mean.

It’s just not true.  You can just be yourself and also enjoy the kinky sex.  And you can make the kinky sex however it needs to be to work for both of you.

last night’s sex

Before last night, Joscelin and I hadn’t had sex since last Friday, when we didn’t really have a scene but I did force him to come three times (and came twice myself, which is rare).  And 6 days is really not all that long, but I was missing it, and wondering when we’d ever manage to sneak it in.

Physically, I could go without sex forever.  I can always have an orgasm by masturbating.  And, honestly, the longer I don’t have sex, the less I really care about it.  But when we don’t have sex, I don’t feel as in love, and I miss that.  Sex is a binding force in our relationship.  It’s where things get intense.  And it is the basis of the d/s that we do, in a really big way.  Also, I worry that when we don’t have sex, orgasm denial becomes more like orgasm neglect.  Since Jos only comes with me these days, I start to feel like a vanilla girlfriend who agrees to put her boyfriend in chastity and then forgets about it completely.  “You can’t have an orgasm” is sexy.  “I don’t care” is not.

And also, sex is delicious, of course.  That’s the point.  So when I say I don’t need it, it’s not that I don’t love it.  It’s just that I don’t always miss it when it’s not around.  Kind of like sushi.

Last night we found a couple of hours and hopped into bed together.  (Well, Jos had to kneel naked and wait while I got ready, but then we hopped.)  I considered chaining his hands to the eye bolt at the head of the bed, but it wasn’t really what I wanted – I wanted a different kind of access.  So after we lay down, I had him lie on his back with his hands at his sides.  And I told him not to speak.

And suddenly I was crazy turned on – actually aching from it.

I didn’t do anything very organized to him.  I pinched the head of his cock between my fingernails.  I hurt his nipples.  I got an ice cube, sealed it in a snack baggie so it wouldn’t drip everywhere, and put it on his nipples, cock, and balls.  And navel.  And then left it on his chest, right above his heart, while I kissed him and slapped his balls, so that he got brain freeze, although that part wasn’t intentional.  (He spoke up and let me know.  I had told him not to speak unless he became [emotionally] distressed or needed to tell me something.)

I told him he was going to fuck me, but I wanted him to rub my clit first.  I was starting to get wet, but just barely.  My clit is tricky to rub – it doesn’t like strong sensations and touching it on the tip hurts a bit – so I directed him.  And at some point, I took his other hand and bit it.  I like to bite the outside part – the bit that runs from the outer side of the pinky down to the wrist.  It just has a wonderful texture.  (I think my love of biting is essentially vanilla, although Jos’s submission allows me to do it, and his pain then turns me on.  But the biting itself just feels good in a way that’s not very psychological, as best I can tell.)

What was amazing about the biting was that it made the clit-rubbing feel so much better.  The sensations just really sharpened up and became good.  I was carefully watching his face to monitor the pain he was in and it was just a really nice few moments.

We fucked, and I still didn’t allow him to talk.  He always (99% of the time) fucks me from on top, which is how I like it.  He knows exactly how I like it.  He knows that he can’t do it in the way that would give him the most pleasure.  And I told him that I wasn’t going to let him come, so he knew that too.  I think it’s an exquisite torture for him, edging himself over and over with the fucking, knowing he has to do it and there will be no release.  Damn.

After a while, I had him pull out and I used my vibrator.  I told him to lick my nipple, which he does very well.  He was sort of crouching to do this, and I reached over and pinched his nipple, and so there were three things happening to me – pinching him, feeling him lick me, and the sensations from the vibrator – and it was so much, it was really too much, but in a good way.  It was overwhelming.   He told me later that he could tell when I got closer because the pinching hurt more.  I asked him to put his hand on the vibrator (the diminishment of my own control is crazy good for me) and then I came.  I came well.

He lay down next to me and I said, “You can talk now.”

“Mistress, can I share a fantasy with you?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said.  I was feeling a little bit insecure, though not from that.

“You don’t let me talk at all tonight.”

“Ah,” I said, smiling.  “So at this point I just say ‘good night, slave’ and dismiss you?”

“Yeah.  I can talk again in the morning.”

I grinned at him.

“I want more scene,” he said.  “I really do.”

I know what it is to want more scene, from the bottom.  It can be such a strong sensation.  So I told him to get me the nipple clamps and then to lie down on his back.  I put them on his nipples, which were probably already sore from earlier.  He whimpered.  (The nipple clamps we have are pretty vicious.)  I told him he could rub himself, and he started to, still wearing the condom.

We messed around like that for a while.  I put one of the clamps on his tongue.  He couldn’t really take it, but I made him be still and breathe for a little while before I took it off.  I put one on his earlobe, which he could take, with difficulty. And I pulled them off his nipples, which is…so horrendous, in my mind, that it’s on the edge of what I am actually willing to do.  After I told him I was going to pull the right one off, I began pulling it, and the force required was so strong that I hestitated, until he said, “Please.”  More than once.

Eventually I took the clamps off and said, “You can let go of your dick now.  And turn over and do some snuggles and aftercare.”

He turned towards me and I just looked at him.  He really is astonishingly pretty to me.  (Cute, handsome…whatever you prefer.  It’s all there.)

“Put your hands together and look like a slave,” I said.  And he did.

at the club

As I mentioned previously, it was “Find a Play Partner” night at the club.  There were armbands you could wear to indicate whether you were a top, bottom, or switch, and there were forms to fill out and post on the wall.  Joscelin hoped to find a woman to top.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

Once I got there, I was pretty ambivalent, but I did put on a “top” armband and fill out a brief profile for the wall.  And, sure enough, a man there came and talked to me.

I won’t write too much about him, since I haven’t asked him whether that’s all right.  I thought he was pretty cute, and when we talked it sounded like he needed more of a practice partner than a scene, so I agreed to help him out with some stuff.  I bottomed to him (with almost no submissiveness whatsoever because that just wasn’t what was on offer) for a bit, and then we switched, and I showed him some of my own toys.  It was very low-key – pleasant (especially touching the bare skin of a barely-met pretty man) but not mind-blowing or anything.  Hopefully he had a decent time.

Jos watched a bit, but reported later that when he saw me touch the other man the way that I touch him, he looked away quickly, and then wandered off.  That surprised me a bit, though it shouldn’t have.

Meanwhile, Jos did not find a partner.  Pickings were actually pretty slim – not all that many people came, and I’m not sure there were any women who hadn’t come with a partner.  So he had a boring and somewhat depressing night, as one does when they go to a club hoping to play and don’t succeed.  (I’ve been there and done that.)  I imagine we two would have had a scene had the other guy not sought me out.

The space at our club consists of a small office at the front, a living room area, a well-lit play area with couches, and the dungeon, which is like a big warehouse.  And a coatroom with a couple of soft chairs.  I really like the coatroom as a place to sit and unwind a bit after things, and Jos and I sat there after my scene.  He talked about how his desire to have a submissive of his own is growing, and how uncomfortable that makes him, implying, as it does, that he has needs that I can’t meet, and challenging his identity as well.

At that time, and later when we had our late snack at Perkins, I said that life is broad, with a lot of possibilities.  I couldn’t have imagined the relationship that we have now two years ago, and there is no telling what things will look like two years from now either.  But everything has been wonderful and enriching so far, and I look forward to exploring the future with him.

poly and the slave girl

This Saturday, Joscelin and I have plans to visit the Denver Sanctuary, which is the bdsm club where we met.  It is a “Find a Partner” event, which you’d think is pretty much every event there, but on these nights they offer the option of wearing armbands to identify that you’re looking for someone, and (broadly) what kind of someone, to make it even easier for people to proposition each other.  That’s the idea, anyway – I haven’t actually been to one yet.

And Jos is considering trying to find a woman to top.  Specifically, he’s looking for a dominant/submissive dynamic more than a physical s/m experience.  And he has asked me how I feel about this, because I’ve given some signs that I’m not completely comfortable with it, and he doesn’t want to do it if I would rather him not.  I own his sexuality, which we both enjoy, so it doesn’t really make sense for him to go off and gratify himself at my expense (if you will).

And it’s all kind of mixed up for me, honestly.

Given that I am pretty much dead set on keeping Jos forever, it might surprise you to know that I also think sometimes about what it will be like to know him when he has his next girlfriend/mistress.  A part of me is curious to watch how his life develops, even though this is at odds with me just having him to myself forever.

And I don’t generally have a problem with him playing with other people.  I’ll grant you that it’s only happened once, if you don’t count the threesome we had with his ex, but it didn’t even begin to bother me the once, and I’ve encouraged him to bottom to other different people.

The fact that he’s seeking out a submissive woman makes it a little bit different.  On the one hand, I want him to really experience what it’s like to receive submission from someone, because it’s sublime.  But on the other hand, I do find it threatening.  I am (frankly, embarrassingly) afraid that he will simply fall in love with the girl at his feet and leave me for her or, not quite as bad, that they will share something extremely special together that I will feel completely excluded from.  (Perhaps part of me feels like being the dom is so obviously superior that he can’t possibly fail to notice this once he really tries it, as I did with him.)

Then there is the fact that I don’t really like male doms.  I mean, in one way this is patently untrue – there are male doms that I like, and I have played with male doms (as a bottom), and I don’t have some general animus towards them.  But I often find that what looks hot and delicious when a man does it to another man sometimes looks abusive, mean, or misogynistic when a man does it to a woman.  That is entirely my own problem (IBTP) but I’m slightly less than eager to see Jos assume that role.

But, God.  I want to be in a relationship where everyone is encouraged to develop and explore their sexuality.  I am his friend and I want him to have all the experiences he can.  And I am pretty sure that we will be able to handle whatever feelings may come up, because we are awesome at that stuff.

I guess all of that makes me come down on the positive side, despite finding the whole thing rather fraught.

punishment, an example

A question that comes up over and over, in all kinds of places (but recently here and here) is why do punishment?  The two anti-punishment thoughts I commonly see are that people are using punishment as an excuse to do beatings, which they could just do anyway, and that punishment is not the best way to modify someone’s behavior.

I’ve talked about this before, so I won’t go on at length, but we do punishment as something separate from general beatings and play because it’s deeply hot for us.  I’ve fantasized about punishment since I was 3 or 4 (I remember sneaking into my mom’s room and spanking myself with her hairbrush as a very young child, and I had an erotic spanking dream when I was a little older), and Jos loves the feeling of being controlled, compelled to behave under threat.

Here is a little example to give a flavor of how it sometimes works with us.

We were having a scene.  It was early, and we were just lying in bed.  I had told him to close his eyes a few minutes earlier, so he had them closed.  And at some point, he opened them to look at me briefly.  When he closed them again, he said, “I’m sorry, Mistress.”

“OK.  I’m going to punish you for that,” I said.

“Yes, Mistress.”

“You can open your eyes,” I said.  I didn’t want him stumbling around the bed.

He walked over to my side of the bed and leaned over the edge in the usual position.  I picked up the rod that turns the miniblinds.  “I’m not angry at all,” I said.  “I just want you to remember to focus on following my directions.”

“Yes, Mistress.  Of course.”

And I hit him five times, hard enough that he didn’t like it, but not so hard that he couldn’t stay still and reasonably calm for it.

“You can get up when you’re ready,” I said, stroking his back.  (I was, of course, crazily turned on from the whole punishment dynamic.)

And he got up, and we got back into bed, and continued with the scene.  And presumably when I gave him further instructions, he had just that little bit of extra fear and seriousness about following them.  And that is a very sexy way to feel, which is the point.

submission or subjugation?

During our long talk the other night, Joscelin brought up a conflict that we don’t seem to have any more – between my desire for willing submission and his desire to be subjugated, or forced to submit.  In the very beginning of our relationship, he offered me purely willing submission, claiming to want to serve me.  (It wasn’t as deep as the submission I get now; I had to earn that.)  And then over time it emerged that what is really hot for him is feeling forced, like he has no choice.  And those are two different things.

Except I really don’t feel the difference anymore.  It’s become a kind of theoretical distinction, and I’m capable of moving fluidly between them and enjoying both.

Kneeling at my feet and looking at me with submissive eyes?  Submission.

Saying, “Mistress, I don’t want to do this,” and then “Yes, Mistress” when I tell him that he has to do it anyway?  Subjugation.

But I think instead of experiencing these categories as somehow opposed, I just experience the whole flow of things as they actually are.  (“It is what it is” as people sometimes say.)  Jos is submissive to me, both in the willing service sense, and in that he has negotiated an arrangement in which I can make him do things he really doesn’t want to do.

And it is all hot.

respect my sexualitah!

Sorry, I couldn’t help the ridiculous title.

Last night, after some very, very good scene and sex, Joscelin and I talked until 4 AM. It was wonderful – we don’t seem to get enough opportunities to just talk. And one of the things we talked about was the somewhat mysterious nature of my sexuality.

Jos said that he sometimes looks for clues into my kink by looking at what I initiate. It’s a decent bet that things I initiate are things I really enjoy and want. (Partly this technique is a way he reassures himself that I’m not just doing all of this to make him happy, though I think he’s less worried about that all the time.)

So, what do I initiate?

• beatings
• fucking
• orgasm control
• teasing and denial
• having orgasms myself
• lifestyle tasks (e.g., exercise)
• lying in bed, snuggling & talking
• biting

That seems like the main list. I do some amount of tying/chaining up, but he thinks (correctly) that I do this mainly for him. It helps him get into the proper mindset and it’s something that really likes, and also, its absence makes him feel that I don’t care enough or am too lazy to do be planful and really make scenes work.

There are other things I do but don’t initiate all that much – protocols, for instance.  I enjoy them but I don’t want too many of them.  (Jos would like more, and to have them be more complicated.)

It strikes me that if you find your partner’s sexuality a bit hard to decipher (and I’m not intentionally being difficult or anything, but that’s how Jos finds me, for reasons I can understand), looking for the things they initiate may provide clues.  (However, I don’t think lack of initiation of any kind should be taken to mean that your partner has no sexuality.)

a cute orgasm

I was cleaning up the kitchen tonight and chatting with Joscelin. After a bit, he said, “I’m going to go off now and do my thing.”

Sometimes he forgets to tell me that he’s leaving. It’s not that we have a protocol about it – it’s just common courtesy, if you’re talking to someone and you leave the room, to let them know if you’re not coming back.

“Hey, did you see what I did?” he said.

“Yeah.”

“I told you I was leaving!”

“Good,” I said.

“That deserves an orgasm at least,” he said.

“All right,” I said, grinning. “Kneel.”

He knelt on the kitchen floor.

“Start,” I said.

I kept rinsing dishes, listening to his little sounds. I reached into the drawer next to the sink and tossed him a dish towel.

“I’m close, Mistress,” he said after a while.

“Good. Stay there,” I said.

After another couple of minutes of dishes, I looked at him and gave the countdown for him to come. And he did, screaming a little bit.

It was just fun, and hot, and cute, giving him an orgasm like that, in the kitchen, on a whim.