the contract, at long last

Two nights ago, Joscelin and I had a ritual in which he performed three tasks for me – one of endurance, one of service, and one of pain.  After that, we signed the finalized contract, and he received the new, steel collar.  I promised I would post the contract here when it was done, so here it is.  It is true to our general style, and reflects as accurately as possible our current understanding.

***

Slave Contract

Preamble

In order to strengthen our relationship through clarification, we, [Dev] and [Joscelin], enter into this contract together. Once signed, it will be considered personally binding until one of us elects to void it. It may be altered upon mutual agreement.

Most contracts are written for the purpose of ensuring that should a disagreement arise between two parties, that there is a clear standard that they can refer to to resolve their disagreement. Important contracts are written very carefully to avoid not just confusion but any possibility of willful misinterpretation. Generally, a contract in the typical sense takes as axiomatic the assertion that all parties involved are motivated chiefly by their own interests at the expense of any other party.

The fact that we term this a “contract” is dangerous, because it suggests that this document serve a similar purpose to most contracts. Instead, we intend this contract to serve as a solid basis for communication of a difficult-to-understand mutual asymmetric commitment. That is, this document might be better termed a “manifesto”. The relationship this contract is intended to serve is a romantic one, and as such, is essentially doomed to failure unless both parties are willing and able to sacrifice their own interests in favor of their partner’s in ways not laid out by the contract. In other words, a relationship is not just an agreement with a set of rules on each side, despite the fact that we use the word “contract”.

Background Assumptions

We are human beings with intrinsically equal rights and status. The power exchange in our relationship is mutually chosen and not the result of any intrinsic difference.

Each of us has the right to experience and explore our sexuality, and to seek satisfaction.

Our relationship is a relationship first. Rules and boundaries are to serve us; we do not serve them. The relationship is based on love, caring, and desire.

Our relationship is founded on honesty and communication. Although honestly to ourselves comes before honesty to each other, we strive to be radically honest to each other, and to thoughtfully communicate all relevant information.

Our current understanding is that each of us may have scenes with others, so long as the other is allowed to be present, or has waived that right, but that sex with others requires the consent of the other partner.

Slavery

With this document, Joscelin agrees to become the owned property of Dev, specifically, a sex slave. She, in turn, agrees to become his owning Mistress. He relinquishes to her control over every aspect of his sexual expression, expecting that what sexual and romantic pleasure he enjoys is in service to her, through service to her. This pleasure is to be appreciated as a gift that cannot be repaid. While, as spelled out in the rest of this document, he has the right to satisfaction in an ultimate sense, he understands that Dev’s decision of how that is to occur is final. Additionally, while he has limits, he gives Dev final power in deciding when and how those limits will be honored.

As a symbol of this agreement, he agrees to wear a collar provided to him by his Mistress. The purpose of this collar is to reinforce the concept of slavery for both of them in a deep, mind-altering way.

Finally, Jos agrees to never, under any circumstances, willfully disobey his owner. This form of disobedience undermines the fundamental trust that this relationship is built upon in an irreparable way. In doing so, he forfeits his collar and his servitude. So long as this contract is binding, he promises to consent to any use by his owner, no matter how painful or difficult.

Jos’s Service to Dev

This section describes how Jos will behave and the attitudes he will try to hold as Dev’s slave.

Jos will hold himself in a state of mental readiness to accept instructions from Dev. Upon receiving an instruction, he will consider whether he has physical or emotional safety concerns about the instruction, and whether it may violate any of his limits. If so, he will discuss this with Dev. He will also ask any questions he needs in order to clarify the instruction to a reasonable extent. After Dev has considered the circumstances and possibly modified her requirements, he will then carry out the instruction to the best of his ability.

Whether the instruction is explicit and task-oriented (e.g., “dig a 6’ hole”) or implicit and passive (e.g., “lie here; I want to beat you”), Jos will strive to be relaxed and trusting in fulfilling Dev’s wishes. Specifically, he will trust that if he is not serving her correctly, she will correct him in a clear and firm manner.

During a scene, Jos will follow instructions, but otherwise remain calm and passive on a “meta” level, avoiding fearfulness or strategizing about Dev’s intentions or the progress of the scene. His role in a scene is to conform to the boundaries Dev creates, and that is where his physical and mental energy should be directed. Analyzing the scene and Dev’s role in it should come later if at all.

Jos will accept Dev’s kindness and mercy when it is given, and try not to question it. He will accept being treated with kind strictness and not expect to be treated harshly or in an authoritarian manner.

Despite any of the foregoing, if Jos becomes fearful, insecure, anxious, or otherwise distressed, during a scene, while performing service, or otherwise, he should communicate this to Dev without fear of reprisal. Merely pressing on, suppressing concerns, is not a workable solution in most cases. Dev wishes to comfort Jos, clarify her thoughts, or do whatever is appropriate to address his concerns.

To summarize this section, what Dev desires from Jos in his service, in order from most to least important, is as follows:

1. honest communication,
2. attention to physical and emotional safety,
3. obedience,
4. trust, and
5. calm acceptance.

Dev’s Promises to Jos

As long as Jos wear’s Dev’s collar, she will demand his service by

• asking for what she wants from him,
• being clear in her directions,
• giving him honest feedback about whether he met her expectations, and
• correcting him as needed;

respect his service by

• taking his difficulties seriously,
• listening to his concerns,
• answering his questions honestly,
• taking responsibility for her mistakes,
• paying attention,
• cultivating a methodical and deliberate style of dominance, and
• providing ways to deepen his feeling of subservience towards her; and

guard his health and safety by

• respecting his limits and safewords,
• discussing new activities with him before trying them,
• listening to his concerns,
• playing within her own limits,
• taking appropriate precautions,
• informing him of any risks he may not be aware of,
• telling him if she is having serious difficulties during a scene,
• reviewing mishaps in detail, and
• respecting his responsibility to keep himself safe.

Jos’s Rights

The rights specifically preserved for Jos in the context of the relationship are

• the right to emotional, physical, and mental safety,
• the right to understand why and how he is safe,
• the right to disagree with Dev,
• the right to appeal decisions he disagrees with,
• the right to skill and attention in dominance or topping,
• the right to have limits, though not the right not to consent,
• the right to be taken care of,
• the right to aftercare, and
• the right to satisfaction and pleasure in the relationship as a whole, if not in each particular instance.

the…chastity?

I’m not sure whether people would call what Joscelin and I are doing right now “chastity” or not.  I suspect not.  But he asked me a week ago, or maybe a little more than a week ago, not to let him come until Christmas, and I’m not.

We don’t own or use a chastity device, and he’s generally extremely good at not coming when he’s not allowed to.  (He never chooses to come when not allowed to.  That is utterly forbidden and not how we do things.  But very occasionally a mistake occurs.)  Currently he’s allowed to jack off for up to 30 minutes a day if he wants to (which he always does, partly because stopping is so horrible).  And we’re having lots of sex – more than usual.

The energy is intense and it’s very exciting.  I find myself turned on all the damned time.  We spend a lot of time in bed together, staring into each other’s eyes.  I am thinking something like he is so beautiful, and what we have here is so magical and deep and mph and I can’t stand another second of this bliss and he is thinking (I think) something like god I want to come, she really owns me, my owner, I want to come.

So it’s like that.  It’s terrible for him and yet he only longs for it to be worse.  And for me to beat him.  And make him fuck me.  And ravage him.  And own him utterly.  And control his sexuality now and forever.

Well, bring it on.

the trouble with sex

Last night, after he had made some comments about wanting to find more ways of turning me on, I remarked to Joscelin that, adjusting for the way we never have quite enough time to do everything we’d like to do (in life in general), I am having about as much sex as I want to be having.  I think he was a bit surprised, though he noted (correctly) that nothing about that suggests that he shouldn’t try to turn me on more.

There is exactly one thing that I hate about sex.  I hate when we lie down and I plan and want to have sex (to fuck, I mean) and I know I need to get turned on in order for that to happen and I don’t really know how to get turned on.  I have hated this with every lover, and it’s a bit better with Jos, but it’s not gone.

With most of my lovers, after the first few weeks or months where everything is just exciting no matter what, I’ve bridged this “arousal gap” by doing things to them – things that were turn ons, like oral sex or teasing.  I would then get turned on by their responses.  But eventually I get tired of, and slightly resentful about, that.  Shouldn’t they ever turn me on themselves?

But turning me on is not that simple if I’ve been sleeping with you for a while.  It can be done through teasing, but you have to “hook” me into the tease – if I’m not engaged I’ll just kind of tune it out.  And in general my mind wanders all over the place.  It can be done through domination or something like spanking, but I intentionally don’t have Jos dominate or top me.

So, what’s different about Jos?  In some encounters, not much.  I turn myself on by doing things to him – usually teasing him or hurting him.  And sometimes I feel bored and irritated with that mode.

If I’m not trying to get turned on, then it’s usually easy.  I get turned on talking to him via IM all the time.  And scenes turn me on like crazy, whether I’m really paying attention to it at the time or not.  (Usually I am not.)  And if I want to fuck him and we lie around long enough, and fool around in enough little ways long enough, I’ll end up turned on eventually.  But the problem is that I want it a lot sooner than it actually occurs.

I’m not sure if there is a resolution to this problem, but I wanted to express it more fully than I have and kind of put it on the table.

balance and making it work

The other night, I was going to bed.  It was warm outside, for December – around 55 F (that’s 13 C for you moderns), and kind of hot in the house, so I opened my window for sleeping.  First I went to see Jos.

“I’m going to turn off the heater and open my window for the night,” I said.  “But as always, if you get too cold, feel absolutely free to come shut it and turn the heat back on.  OK?”

A couple of minutes later I was talking to myself in my head, as is my wont, and explaining why I did that – because it’s important that he not feel that I own the space and that he has no choices, like a kid living at home or a person with intractable roommates.  He moved in to my well-established apartment, which makes the danger high.

And of course it struck me that it might seem odd to people who know we do “24/7″ d/s to think that I make sure he doesn’t feel like I own the apartment.  Couldn’t I just own the apartment?  Who consults their slave about the thermostat?

Well, I bet you just about anyone in a consensual d/s relationship does, because it’s one of those things that makes life work.  If it were sexy for me to lord my control of the thermostat over him then maybe I would, but not every kind of control is sexy.  Some are just a pain in the ass.

Making this stuff work in real life and avoiding getting mired in all of the seeming contradictions is fun, but it does require work (all the usual stuff – negotiation, talking, understanding, and so on).

the new collar

I’ve ordered a new collar for Jos.  His old one is very handsome and has a lot of meaning for us, but it’s also fairly filthy since it has a nice plushy lining and gets worn ~14 hours a day.  (It gets cleaned occasionally but it’s not completely simple to clean a leather thing.)

The new one is thicker, and made of heavy black metal.  I hope it will work out and not prove impossible to wear for long periods due to its weight and clunkiness.  Jos is very psyched about how obtrusive it will no doubt be.

We are also ready to sign the contract.  I’ll post the latest version here at some point; suffice it to say, it’s been edited a bit since last time.  Our understanding and hence the contract draft has moved in the direction of Joscelin not having the right to withdraw consent or enforce limits (within the bounds of our d/s relationship), at the same time as I have (perhaps paradoxically) moved in the direction of being more cautious and thoughtful.

When the collar comes, we plan to have a ritual that will involve both signing the contract and changing to the new collar.  I plan to have Jos complete three difficult tasks for me – one requiring stamina or strength, one that is service-oriented, and one that is painful.

I had a nice orgasm last night thinking about the painful task.

magical

As I write this, it is 2 AM Saturday night.  We had a strange kind of date and I feel full of magic and love and a desire to run into Joscelin’s room and absorb him physically and just be near him and stare into his eyes forever and ever.  And I’ll never be able to explain or describe why, but there it is.  And I will try, just a little.

I didn’t feel like having sex.  I didn’t even feel like being in bed.  But I did it anyway.  I sent Jos to get ready, and when I came into my room, he was kneeling, and wearing a white undershirt, which is…oh god, crazy hot for me somehow.  Like lingerie for men.  (He dressed up for me.  I would hate dressing up for him, which makes him doing it for me even more wonderful because of the reversal.)  He was wearing this undershirt and jeans and he looked kind of like a gay leather bottom and that was hot too.  I told him to get down to the shirt and his underwear and get in bed, and I got naked and did the same.

For a long, long time we just talked.  We talked about math.  I talked about my job.

Eventually, I asked him if he had any current or recent concerns in our relationship.  I’ve been trying to do this occasionally both to give him an obvious opportunity to talk to me, and to remind him that I do want to know.

Nothing came to him at first, but then he mentioned not being sure about the future.  I think he knows that I have a little bit of stress over this, because (honestly) I want to marry him and have him forever, and I don’t think he really feels very different except that he’s still in the part where you are kind of waiting for your life to start, and the future is too uncertain for him to feel like he knows where it’s going.  So we talked about that, and I was cool because, honestly, I am pretty cool about it and not in a hurry at all.  Before Jos came along, my plan didn’t involve being married or having a partner at all, so it’s not as though I couldn’t go back to that plan if it didn’t work out.  By which I mean to say, there is no real opportunity cost to this anyway.  And also he strikes me as the committing type and I think he will be ready at some point.

When I say I am cool, it is a lie.  Part of me is terrified.  But what I know is, if this relationship ends, I will know and understand why.  It is not going to come out of the blue.  It will end, if it does, because it needed to end, because it was over, because we did everything we could do together.  But sometimes I am still afraid, just because I want it so bad.  I want him so bad.

This is a lot to write in a blog about a topic that is (frankly) more sensitive than bdsm.

At some point after that, I got turned on (the undershirt; the collar; the glasses), and we fucked.  And it ended up that we agreed that he won’t have an orgasm until Christmas (Eve or Day is unresolved; it could go either way).  He asked me for it and I was afraid about it in a (frankly) delicious way and I agreed.  Later, he begged me to make it hard for him.

After the sex I got emotional – kind of teary-eyed about both good and bad things.  We talked some more.  A lot.  I told him what he has meant to my sexual development.  There was a lot of intimacy and looking into each other’s eyes and I got held a little bit for some reassurance.  (I wanted reassurance that I can still say things like “I want to own you forever” or “I’m going to keep you forever” and he said part of him would die if I stopped.)  (!!)

And now it’s a couple of hours later and I feel this crazy love.  I feel like we had a magical intimacy.  I feel like something happened that was wonderful – like a fantastic piece of news, or like Christmas morning – and I can’t quite remember what it was.  At one point, I bit his arm, hard, and then he offered me his arm to bite again, harder, even though I know he doesn’t like that at all, and I reassured him that I was in control of it, and then I bit him ferociously hard, and he weathered it well, and commented afterwards on how much more he can take if he offers it to me – a revelation to him.  And that feels like it may have been the magical moment.  But I’m not sure there really was one at all.  I think it was everything.  Just everything.

planful

I wanted to have sex with Jos last night, but by 7:20, when he got home, I was really tired, and he needed to eat and possibly shower first.  So I decided to just go to bed (I was vastly underslept) and have him wake me up when he was ready.  With 11 hours to go until the alarm would go off, I figured it didn’t really matter when he showed up.

I couldn’t sleep, though, partly because I knew I was going to be woken up for sex.  Sex!

But eventually, around 10:20 or so, we got started.

We were lying in bed together, naked.  I was just kind of fooling around with him, and not being very careful about it (by which I mean I did things like hurt him without warning), and he wasn’t responding very well.  He was jumpy and being touched wasn’t feeling that great.

And I thought, damn, this is a pattern.  I am going to just sit here and mess around with him randomly and he’s not really that into it and I’ll be hoping I eventually get turned on enough to want to fuck or something, and this is not what I wanted to do tonight.

I had wanted to actually have a scene.  But it was late and I hadn’t actually slept much, if at all, so I didn’t really want to have an elaborate scene.

I had him kneel beside the bed so that I could think and plan.  Putting him slightly out of my reach helped me remember that I didn’t just want to fool with him randomly.  I had him lower his head like he does when he’s waiting for me, which is very beautiful and hot for me to see.  I knew that kneeling in a set posture would also help him get into a responsive headspace.  I made him close his eyes so I could enjoy the luxury of asymmetric looking.

After a while, I got his cock ring, rinsed it in some warm water, and had him put it on.  He sat on the bed then and I played with his balls.  He was being extremely jumpy even though I wasn’t hurting him, so I started slapping him harder (though still lightly) and faster, to increase the ratio of pain to fear to a more manageable level.

When I finally got a good scene idea, I had him stand up near the foot of the bed.  I brought out the wrist cuffs.  As I put the first one on, I said, “This is what belongs on your wrist.”  It just came into my head to say and I knew it would work for him.

“Do you mean that?” he asked, a little breathlessly.

“I do,” I said.  And hugged him tightly for a minute.

Once I had both wrists cuffed, I attached them to either end of our spreader bar, which I put behind his waist.  I then had him sit at the head of the bed with his back against the wall (with a pillow, you know; we wouldn’t want our slaves to be uncomfortable, after all).

I touched him a little bit.  He was still wearing the cock ring.  I reached into the bedside table drawer and pulled out our little tube of Icy Hot.  I carefully smeared a small amount on the front of his dick, mostly right under the head, and on his nipples.

He made the kind of forced inhaling sounds that are so hot.  I sat back calmly and watched him writhe.  “I’m making you feel this on purpose,” I reminded him.

After a minute or so, he calmed down as the feeling started to subside.  And after a couple of minutes, I pulled out the tube again, and this time smeared quite a bit of it all over the head of his cock (taking care, however, to avoid the urethral opening).

He thrashed and growled as the feeling of that kicked in.  It was intense.  I watched him, again very calmly.

After a minute or so, he went “ahhhhh” and suddenly kind of collapsed back with a very spacy, contented smile on his face.  I could tell he was feeling really good.

I sat down next to him.  At some point, I stroked his cock, and this brought the pain back, and he said, and yelled, “Stop.  Stop!”  And of course, felt bad for yelling at me, and apologized, and asked if I was all right.

“I am,” I said.  “At least, I’m not not-okay like you’d think.  I’m worried that you’re going to take it really hard that you did that.”

“I’m trying not to do that,” he said.

“Good,” I said, rubbing his shoulder.

Then I uncuffed him for fucking.

“I’m going to fuck you with this icy hot on?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said.

And we did.  Despite the condom, I could feel the icy hot inside me.  It was exciting, and not very painful (not like if that much were applied directly).  Afterwards, I had an orgasm with some assistance.

Then aftercare.  I let him clean himself up, and he came back to bed.  He started to look a bit distraught, and said, “I’m fine.  I don’t look fine, but I’m fine.”

“OK,” I said.  “You don’t look so good, it’s true.”

“I’m afraid you’ll think I’m not OK,” he said.

“What makes you afraid about that?” I asked.

“I’m afraid you’ll try to do something about it,” he said.

So I lay next to him very calmly (I was full of love and contentment anyway) and touched him only a very little bit, taking care not to smother him with words and caresses as I was inclined to.

After a while, he asked me to put my head on his shoulder, so we did that.  It is possibly our favorite position – him lying on his back, with my inside of his left arm with my head on the inside corner of his shoulder.  It’s lovely.

“All right,” he finally said.  “I think I made it down.”

“Good,” I said.  “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.  I was just sooooo high, it was scary,” he said.

“Yeah.”

He asked if we had any chocolate, and the answer was basically no, but I got up and got him a bowl of some chocolate chip cookie dough Haagen Dazs that I had, and that seemed to work.

I went to bed pretty happy and slept like a log.

a clean kitchen

This is a small thing.  But I told Joscelin Tuesday night that I wanted the kitchen completely clean when I got home from work on Thursday.  And it was – he did a really nice job.

Service in the form of household chores and what have you is not right up my alley – it is tangentially related to my kink.  But knowing that he will do what I want or be punished makes it hot.

And the fact that he did it makes me feel warm and proud, even though, as I said, it’s a small thing.

bdsm and feminism

I am a feminist, and if you’re not generally sympathetic to the aims of feminism, this post will probably just annoy you. But you can fuck off anyway.  (Seriously.  Go to hell.)

So, Nine Deuce over at Rage Against the Manchine is writing a series on bdsm, which starts with this post.  I seriously do not recommend reading it if you are not at least familiar with radical feminist writing and ideas.  I find the posts wrong-headed in a whole bunch of ways but am able to compensate because I’m sympathetic to the general stance although I am not a radical feminist myself.  I read (and sometimes enjoy) other radfem blogs.

Radical feminists* are pretty much universally opposed to bdsm, and this is not surprising.  Radical feminism tends to hold that all power imbalances are oppressive and intrinsically patriarchal.  (It is easy for them to ignore F/m pairings but it doesn’t really matter anyway; if women dominate and oppress men they’re still participating in patriarchy.)  If you see the world that way, it’s hard to support people consensually mimicking the worst parts of our culture.

There are always the women who will tell you that anything they freely do is a “choice” and thus feminist.  “Isn’t feminism about choices?” they ask.  “So why should I be criticized if I choose to wear high heels and makeup because it makes me feel sexy?  I’m not doing it for a man, I’m doing it for myself!”

Let me make it clear that, presented with individuals who wear high heels and makeup because it makes them feel sexy, I don’t have a personal problem with it.  We all do what we can to feel good and get along in the world.  But I find those practices problematic in general, in that they are symptomatic of (and act to perpetuate) societal ills.

So from that perspective, I can certainly understand condemning bdsm along the same lines.  I’m just not certain that it’s true of bdsm, and I admit that because I am attracted to bdsm and not to femininity, I have a bias.  I mean, it sounds crazy to say, “Lipstick is a social ill, but beating up and dominating your lover for fun is just awesome!”  What planet do I come from?

One thing I’m curious about [she types, neatly sidestepping the central issue] is, as feminism succeeds, will bdsm become more or less prevalent?  Will people who are not steeped in patriarchy from birth never develop the kinks we have?  Or will power exchanges remain intrinsically fascinating to people, and perhaps become even more prevalent when they are not associated with so much real-world badness?  Will there be more dominant women if women are not expected to suppress their sexuality and conform to the desires of men?  Will there be more submissive women if we don’t associate it with regressive social ideas?  Will more people, or fewer, dress up as Nazis as fascism and antisemitism become less and less threatening?

On the “social ills” front, I do not think that my practice of my sexuality contributes to patriarchy.  I don’t think the bdsm community in general does either.  Most of the community encourages negotiation, personal expression, finding out what you want and trying to get it, and other good, anti-patriarchal values.  And I know I am not willing to give up the best kind of sex I’ve ever had just because it might come from a bad place.  I’m just not.

I think I’ll end it there.  I could add a million caveats and clarifications to everything I’ve said, but I won’t.  If you’re interested in the intersection of bdsm and feminism in general, I recommend Trinity’s blog, let them eat pro-sm feminist safe spaces.

[* It's important to note that by "radical feminists" I do not mean "feminists who are radical" and I am not using "radical" as an insult or to mean that they are crazy.  There is a branch/type of feminism that I - and others, I think - call "radical feminism" and I am merely identifying these feminists as belonging to that branch.]

buncha weirdos

[Tech note: I'm reposting this because the URL got messed up.]

Kinky people amaze me.  You know that?

I read a lot of blogs.  I subscribe via RSS to 55 different BDSM-related blogs.  Fifty-five.  That is a lot, though of course some of them hardly ever have new posts.

Almost every single one of those blogs has moments, thoughts, or themes with which I sympathize.  Some men (and some women) remind me of Joscelin.  Some women (and some men) remind me of myself.  Every kinky relationship has aspects that are reflected in my relationship with Joscelin.

And yet they are all different.  I feel this most strongly when I get comments.  I absolutely love and adore comments, but so many of them recommend things that would never work in our relationship, or otherwise betray fundamental misunderstandings or different points of view.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Sometimes it makes me feel like me and Jos must be freaks in the way we carry out our relationship.  I think it’s rare that people have things spelled out quite the way we do.  But then I remember all of the probably completely inapplicable advice that I give other people, and realize that, no, we are all freaks.  We are all goddamn freaks, and the only reason that some people have non-freaky relationships is that they don’t bother to delve into them that deeply.  They’d be freaks too if they looked at things closely enough.

I have found bdsm blogs that I can’t really read, that just continually rub me the wrong way, or that I just can’t enjoy or get into.  But for the most part, even the people I disagree with, or who practice something completely different from me, come to me as bright exotic flavors that inspire my own love and play.

I’m glad you’re all out there.  Even the ones of you I think are nuts – or who think I am -  can still brighten my world.  Thanksgiving is past for us Americans, but thanks to all of you for sharing your words and your experiences.