opportunities to submit

Something that I understand Joscelin feels relatively often is that he would like more opportunities to submit.  (Or perhaps he feels it more vividly as a lack of said opportunities.)  And by remembering the weekend when he topped me, I can really empathize with that feeling.  I felt the exact same way.

It’s tricky.  Some doms seem to handle this by making it the submissive’s responsibility to make up the lack.  If he feels like submitting to me and I haven’t given him any instructions, well surely he could find something to do for me, couldn’t he?  There’s plenty of stuff obviously needing to be done – any number of household tasks or ordinary favors.

I don’t think that is a very satisfying form of submission, though.  I think in order for Jos to enjoy submitting, he has to feel either forced or appreciated (or both).  But at the same time, I think if I took the line above (”it’s your job; figure out something to do and then do it”) he’d probably accept it and be relieved/satisfied at my having taken a firm stance.  It just doesn’t feel very satisfying to me, and I don’t really feel able to go in that direction.

When we were talking about protocols, etc., last week, we counted the protocols we have and got something like 7 or 8.  He told me, later, that his thought had been, seven is not enough! And I really can feel his longing to have his life constrained in way more of these small ways, to have them occur continually enough to make one big stretch of slave headspace, perhaps.

What I pointed out is that, when he forgets a protocol, I punish him.  And although being punished is unpleasant, the general dynamic of being subject to punishment is hot and good.  But on my side, when I forget a protocol, I hurt his feelings.  And the dynamic of hurting your lover’s feelings through momentary inattention or forgetfulness is not a fun one.  And I think that is why I am reluctant to add more and more protocols.

I often enjoy our protocols, but they don’t put me in a happy top headspace the way some things do.  Being attentive towards them is mentally taxing.  And again, I could perhaps solve this by saying protocols are your responsibility, not mine; do them and don’t trouble me further. But it doesn’t feel very satisfying and it’s not what I want.

I guess in general I want to keep the “demand” side (where I demand things) and the “appreciation” side (where I appreciate them/him) balanced.  That’s what feels best to me.

People sometimes make fun of those documents you can find online that spell out a zillion protocols the slave should follow.  The idea of a couple just deciding to do a whole set like that is comical and the effort is probably doomed.  But from my perspective it feels like it’s more doomed on the top’s side than on the bottom’s.  Trying to remember a hundred things to do in specific ways and getting punished (or remonstrated, or just feeling bad, or whatever) when you forget them is one thing; constantly monitoring someone else’s behavior and admonishing or punishing them is something else.  (No, I don’t know why I feel the latter is harder or “worse” in some way – maybe because it carries with it for me the constant threat of hurting the feelings of the partner.  Your mileage may vary wildly.)

I sometimes wonder if Jos’s desire for more opportunities for submission is basically doomed, like some people’s desire for more sex with their partner who just doesn’t want it as often.  And the fact that Jos worries that I don’t do more because I am basically lazy puts me in an awkward position.  If I don’t add more protocols, rules, projects, and so on, it might be because I am lazy, but if I add more and then can’t or don’t keep up with them, that’s a kind of “laziness” that hurts him instead of just frustrating him.

The fact remains that, at least in our relationship at this time, it is difficult and fraught for him to instigate anything.  I wonder how different things would be if I had been the one pushing from the start – if it were me who tended to be afraid that he wasn’t into this whole d/s thing.  I think that basic orientation makes a big difference.  I wish he had the joy as well as the frustration of experiencing things from my side of the divide occasionally – from the side where your partner’s interest can be relied upon absolutely, but you constantly struggle to keep them from feeling insecure about your own.  Except that is exactly how our relationship has fallen on the “love” divide, so he does know.  (It seems that these patterns get set early and are difficult to eradicate later on.)

Anyway, no conclusions here – I am just throwing it out there.