sadism is close to anger
1 May 2008 by devastatingyet
Last night, I spent some time with Joscelin. We talked about the difficulties he wrote about here. And I was not too freaked out or anything, yet twice, when I began hurting him, I felt anger come to the surface, and blend with the desire to hurt, and I had to stop.
The sort of hot-blooded sadistic feeling of wanting to hurt him is awfully close to anger, I realized. It’s close enough that, if anger crosses my mind, I can’t distinguish between them. And I’m not OK with hurting him out of anger, so it makes me stop what I’m doing.
I’m not angry at him for having problems. But part of me is angry that he resists so hard - angry that he can’t just let go, relax, be OK, enjoy what is. It’s a part I don’t claim, because that anger is both unkind and useless. And very probably unfair.
But it was just an interesting thing to notice about hurting - that if there is any anger under the surface, I can’t safely play with pain.
Anger’s a weird thing. It’s weird, because the moments that are most transcendent for me when I’m hurt involve my Mistress getting angry. It doesn’t matter if the anger is directed at me, or the world, or something going on at work, but when she hits me angry it makes it more…real. You can feel it seething under the surface as she talks, as she orders me to do this or that, at how she pulls on my leash or wields a hitty-implement. More passionate, and she doesn’t lack passion normally, mind.
I suppose it’s wildly unsafe on some level for her to be out of control, even that little bit, but I reach such a deeper level of subspace when she’s hitting me while angry. I wish there was some way I could reliably get her anger to bubble to the surface, as you phrase it.