my sadism
26 April 2008 by devastatingyet
Sex Geek has a post on the ethics of sadism. (Can I just say how much I love her blog? I want to respond to every single entry with something of equal length, except I’m never quite sure what I want to say, exactly.) Anyway, in the post she talks about if and to what extent sexual sadism (the kind we have in bdsm) is related to what ordinary people mean when they say “sadist” - i.e., just enjoying hurting people with or without consent. I’d quote her, but I really don’t mean to respond to her post so much as to discuss what it made me think about.
An email correspondent once ventured to guess that I was one of those kids who secretly identified with the wicked witch in kids’ movies, and enjoyed watching the prince get captured or tortured. And, oddly, that is not true at all. As a kid I was darkly fascinated by torture, but mostly from the perspective of, “Oh god, will that ever happen to me?” And not in a happy fun way, though I think my general SM orientation had something to do with it.
Even now, I can’t really enjoy torture scenes. I saw one in Heroes one time - the TV show - and I was thinking, “Ooh, hot butch guy being beaten up, Bitchy and Eileen will love this,” but I didn’t love it. I didn’t like it at all. I leave the room during that scene in Reservoir Dogs. I won’t watch a movie where someone gets shot in the kneecaps or the like, if I can help it. I will never watch The Passion of the Christ.
But I don’t hurt Jos because he likes it. Sometimes he hates it. I mean, he craves to be subjected to my cruel passions, and that allows me to do it, but it’s not what makes me want to do it. Once I start hurting him, sometimes it’s like a rush or a wave of sadism comes over me and I want to go extreme - pinch his nipple right off with my fingernails, bite him way too hard, beat him at a faster and faster pace. Other times I just do something slow and excruciating and watch his face contort until he starts to beg me to stop, to let up. And then I keep going.
Sex Geek wrote, about someone having a scene with her true sadist side,
In every case the trust required is enormous - they need to know that there’s a Beast feeding on their pain, but that I’m still there too right beside that Beast, and that I’m stronger than it is, and that I won’t let any true harm come to them.
I have to remind myself continually not to actually go too far. I don’t want to actually remove his nipple. Putting bolts through his skull to attach him to the wall (which I sometimes talk about in a scene) would be gory and disgusting and way too horrible. Beating him dozens of times is enough - I don’t need to ramp it up endlessly. (One way I control this is to notice when diminishing returns start to kick in, and stop at that point. I wonder if that will feel familiar to other sadists?)
He’s a person and I love him. I have to remind myself.
The idea of torturing someone without consent doesn’t excite me. I know it does excite a lot of perfectly ethical sexual sadists as a fantasy. I actually feel like kind of a poser because it doesn’t work for me. Am I really just getting off on submission, not pain? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that…)
But I’ve said to Jos before that I can’t imagine that anyone isn’t a sadist. And my guess is that, if I were in a position where torturing someone without consent seemed like the right thing to do*, and I did it, I would get into it. I bet I’d find it plenty hot and enjoyable if I were actually doing it. I think becoming a monster in that way would be really easy.
I don’t want to go there, which is why, as Sex Geek wrote in a different post, mere consent on the part of my partner is not enough. I trust Joscelin’s reasons for letting me go there with him. I trust him to take care of himself if he needs to, and tell me to stop if I’ve gone over the line (which has happened - a fact I’m not proud of, but we play so fucking close to that line, and neither of us wants to stop).
Mmm.
(*Since it is, shamefully, a current political issue, let me state for the record that I unequivocally oppose the U.S. government’s use of torture against detainees and terror suspects.)
Really intersting post.
My fantasies are usually non-consensual, and I’m aroused by non-consensual stuff on screen, etc. so I think that for me at least, the wiring is there regardless of consent. Thankfully my moral/social sense over-rides that, as it does for just about everybody I think. If it didn’t there would be something seriously wrong.
I love all your posts. You’re so honest and real. It radiates authenticity and commitment and real thoughtfulness. As a submissive male masochist, I feel your sentiments mirrored almost perfectly in my own. I’m viscerally grossed out by real torture or even portrayals of it, yet I’m turned on by fantasies of non-consensual torment of various types. The edge is the best place to play, and inevitably, the line will be crossed once in awhile. I can’t imagine getting off on being a sadist - I just can’t do it in my head. I’m so grateful that some women do. It amazes me how hot it is, how wonderful it is, that someone’s passion would be fed by delighting in hurting me. I want to sit at her feet and keep adding fuel to her fire. To me there is nothing more beautiful than being the counterpart to a woman who feeds on her sexual power, who wants to explore it and express it and find its limits, and try to go beyond them, all in a spirit of trust and love. Thank you for sharing so much of that.
Thanks, Leopold. It warms my heart to read stuff like this.