magical realism

Joscelin sometimes asks me if he is “really” my slave. And while I usually answer with some variant of “yes”, part of me is usually saying “hmm, not really really.” Because, you know, slavery is illegal and I wouldn’t want to practice it anyway. There are limits, both small ones like respecting safewords, and large ones like not interfering with his work. And, of course, he can leave anytime. These are limits I wouldn’t have with a full chattel slave.

So, it’s real in that, what we do is real, but I question whether it’s real slavery, if you know what I mean.

And then I read something amazing in the comments on Sex Geek’s fantastic post on domestic discipline. First, here’s Jake (excerpted), arguing something I might:

…If you have a negotiated power differential with your bois, then that is real in that it is a fact that affects and informs how you live your daily lives. But I think there’s a meaningful way in which it is also not real…

If one of your bois were to realize that the relationship as it stands is not working out for them, they could ask to renegotiate and be taken seriously, or they could just walk away, without fear of either violent retribution from you or shunning and shaming from their communities…

There’s a definition of reality that I find quite useful: “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, it doesn’t go away.”

to which Sex Geek responded, in part,

…One could argue…that the power of the pen (or of consensual power dynamics) is not real power, and that the only real power exists when a sword is drawn (or domestic violence enacted). In a way it’s true; I can’t truly force my bois to do anything past their genuine lack of consent. This paradigm would be in keeping with the definition of reality that you mentioned.

One could also argue that a power that is contingent upon constant coercive enforcement is not real power either - because the second there’s an opportunity to resist, the oppressed party will likely do so, and the tables can quickly turn. Violence and force breed resistance, even if not in a visible way. But this resistance is how dictatorships are overthrown, rapists jailed, and bashers bashed back. And despite the power of the sword, we are still influenced by the pens of powerful people long after they’ve died at the hands of their oppressors - Oscar Wilde, John Lennon, Martin Luther King.

Of course both metaphorically and practically, I would rather hold the power of the pen than that of the sword. I don’t really care if pen power is real power in the eyes of a sword-wielder… it still gets my socks folded and my eggs cooked just right, and it still gives depth and incredible richness to the way my bois and I go about loving each other.

I just think that’s a fantastic way to turn the idea of “real” around to point in the other direction - the direction that says “what Jos and I do is more real than chattel slavery because it’s not held in place by artificial structures.”  I’m happy to have that idea in my brain.