discontent
19 April 2008 by devastatingyet
I write all the time about how blissfully happy Jos makes me, mostly because that’s usually how it is. But today I am feeling a bit discontented and gripey, so I’m going to gripe and whine a little bit.
Last night after doing our role-playing game, I took Jos to my house briefly to show him the bit gag. He seemed fine in the car, and eager to see how it was, but when I put it on him, everything went awry. I think (based on trying it on myself again later) that I put it on too tight - it really does not need to be tight. It gave him a headache, or exacerbated an existing headache, and his sharpness and not-having-funness hurt my feelings, which he saw and felt bad about. I tried to keep it together and act light about it, which was appropriate, but at the same time I sometimes resent having to be OK all the time because he can’t handle it if I’m not.
That is, of course, not true at all. I am not OK all the time. I am a basketcase a lot. He handles it continually. Nevertheless, this is my blog, and I’m blogging about my own feelings. And last night I resented feeling like I needed to suppress feeling bad because he wouldn’t be able to handle it. And I felt a little angry that he let me try to show him something I was really excited about when he was already “falling apart” as I think he said afterwards. (This is a mistake anyone can make, I know.)
It’s Saturday, and we usually have a date on Saturday night, and I said earlier in the week that we should have one, but I don’t know if it will occur. And he’s not awake yet for me to ask. And he needs to get a lot more work done and I want to support that but I think taking a day off might be a good idea. A part of me really needs to have a relaxing, bonding time with him. Another part isn’t that enthusiastic about it at all, on account of the being kind of bummed and everything.
And right now I’m stuck at work. This is the last week at my old job, and I’m ready to move on, but I have more than a week’s worth of work that it would be good to accomplish so that I don’t leave folks here in the lurch. Yet I can’t seem to make myself do anything much useful today, so I’m just trapped indoors on a beautiful day for no reason, writing a depressing blog post that’ll make my lovely boyfriend feel bad when he wakes up.
I almost certainly just need a nap.
[...] course, I wrote that depressed post yesterday. He’d read it, hence the occurrence of the date. But I’d had a 3 1/2 hour nap since. [...]
It certainly be tough watching a scene unravel before your eyes. Sometimes it happens though, and there isn’t always anything that anyone can do about it, just seems like an inevitable consequence of pushing boundaries and exploring new things sometimes.