I wrote about beating Jos on Saturday night, taking him further than he wanted to go, and making him cry. There is something so ineffably hot and delicious to me about pain like that, and in bed later, I realized part of what sadism does for me.
Before my relationship with the sadistic Dutch guy (when I was 19), I had an enduring fantasy of being beaten beyond what I could bear. When we tried enacting this as a scene (not that we used that word), it was terrible for me. I didn’t enjoy it at all.
It’s like pain has two separate effects – the searing hot delicious paininess of it, and the sheer nasty unpleasantness. (It’s the latter that causes Jos to remind me, “Pain hurts.”) As a bottom, I can’t get the full searing hot deliciousness, because the unpleasantness soon overwhelms me.
But as a top – and yes, I know I am going to hell for this – I get all searing hotness, and no unpleasantness at all. The “cost” - the actual nasty hurting – is displaced completely onto the bottom. I can appreciate the pure hot essence of pain without the rest of it getting in my way (except insofar as it limits Joscelin’s ability to do it for me).
My ultimate fantasy of pain is a scene where the bottom (me or someone else) can “let go” and “relax” into the pain, by which I guess I mean, just experience the pure searing quality it has, and not feel or care about the unpleasantness. I think some people do go there when they bottom, though I’m not clear whether that simply means they are within their pain tolerances or not. (After all, Jos and I are both straight-up masochists if the pain is mild enough.)
Do you guys know what the fuck I’m talking about with the way pain seems to have two “tracks”?
5 responses so far ↓
omnivoresdilemma // 5 February 2008 at 5:04 pm
Yes. I know what you’re talking about. As a top, I struggle with my own desire to inflict pain that is hot and searing and intense and painful and the constant sense of responsibility for my bottom’s comfort. I know, I’ve been taught, that warming up his bottom (or whatever body part) will ease him into the subspace that both he and I enjoy. But sometimes I get so worked up I just want to start whaling.
A lot of it depends on my mood, too. My mood will vary with my play partner. Sometimes I’m the stern taskmistress or the bitch, and then I want the blows to hurt. But often, it’s part of lovemaking — it’s erotic and hot because I know he’s enjoying it, and I enjoy that he’s enjoying it, and so on. Sometimes it’s more motherly, more caring, and then of course I want to ease him down. I wish I could say that I’m always paying attention to easing him down slowly, but that’s just not always the case. Thank God/dess for safe words.
The other thing about this whole hot, intense pain vs pain within limits thing is that it really speaks to the power dynamic between top and bottom–or, more accurately, Dom and sub. Which is the one who truly holds the power? Which is the one who is doing what he or she is told? It gets blurry at times like these. And since play partners are, ideally, both interested in each other’s pleasure and comfort, it’s something that both people need to pay attention to. I don’t know the answer to this question, but it’s the sort of thing that’s important to negotiate and discuss outside of scene.
lorelin // 6 February 2008 at 12:39 am
I do know just what you mean about the two tracks. I’m both sadistic and masochistic so what you’re saying makes a lot of sense to me.
As a masochistic, I often stop feeling the ‘unpleasantness’ altogether, and only feel the pleasant side. This happens even if I’m being hit quite hard, so I don’t think it’s to do with the level of objective pain, if you know what I mean. Once I’m in that state, I don’t seem to feel unpleasant pain at all.
As a sadist, though, it really turns me on to see my boyfriend struggling with the pain. It’s exciting if it really HURTS, rather than inducing a pleasant masochistic trance. I’m excited by seeing somebody on the verge of anger, on the verge of tears, trying not to scream, spitting curses, shaking with the effort of enduring it.
Two different desires I suppose. Despite switching, if I was two people I wouldn’t be compatible with myself. I wonder how you feel – does your sadism fit with your masochism, or do you want different things depending on which side you’re on? It seems from what you’re saying that you get off on giving the ‘pleasant’ pain, rather than making someone endure unpleasant pain, but I’m also sensing that, like me, you like the idea of somebody struggling with it?
devastatingyet // 6 February 2008 at 8:39 am
Lorelin, you raise good points. My sadism doesn’t fit very well with my masochism. As a bottom, I would bore myself as a top. I could play some psychological games with myself that don’t really work with Jos, but my desire to take pain for a partner is seriously lacking (relative to what I want out of a bottom).
And, I have to admit, you’re right – I don’t want my partner to just sink into a happy place. I want screaming and the pounding of fists and a look of fear in the eyes and all the rest. I just want them to let me. Heh.
axe // 7 February 2008 at 5:22 am
I totally understand.
I find that the difference between the good pain and the “woah please no” pain is how it’s given.
If pain is given in the context of “hey this is hot and she’s getting off beating me” I can take quite a bit.
If the pain is given and I feel it’s because the person is upset with me I can take quite a bit less.
littlesubbieboy // 8 February 2008 at 8:43 am
I understand what you are talking about. For me, I find that the two rather than being exactly parallel sensations, are more about intensity and blending in and out of each other.
I mean, lets be real – pain is pain is pain – our perception and our bio-chemistry are responsible for the variation.
If my mind is not “there” for a painful scene – I cannot take any real pain – no matter how good the warmup. But given the right mindframe and a decent warmup to get the endorphins running – I amaze myself sometimes how much I really can take (Mind you, the person on the other side of the flog makes a big difference too). Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts, but as you said it is that searing hot sexy burn, grit your teeth and mmmmm it hurts so good pain.
Without the endorphins / warmup, but with the right mindset I can still take a good amount of pain but it really is more in the that just hurts category. The mindset that helps me through this kind of pain is utterly submissive – either because I am “serving my Mistress” through taking the pain for her – or because I am being punished and it is not supposed to feel good at all – once again puts me in a deeply submissive mindset.