competence, or: why must I take everything personally?

May’s got an interesting post up about competence.  A sampling:

I wish competence were recognized by people as being one of the most important factors in choosing a partner for a scene, or for a relationship. (They recognize the importance when choosing a doctor, yet when it comes to sex and education otherwise smart people behave in very dumb ways.) It’s clear that being competent makes you attractive because it gives you some value that you can provide to your partners. However, it’s also clear that most people are constantly fumbling about trying to discern what this value they are seeking actually is. They don’t know what it looks like or how to find it. I don’t think most of them are even aware of their own search for it in the first place (at least not concretely).

I’ll have to write something about my own competence here, but what’s more interesting to me was my response to this post, writing about which gets me into dangerous territory, a bit.

I respond to Maymay in a few ways.  I think he’s sexy, smart, funny, and when he writes about submission, it hits me in all those warm spots.  His anger can make him remind me of Joscelin, which is a good thing.  In short: I like him as well as you can like someone based only on reading blogs.

But I’d never try to play with him.  He intimidates the crap out of me, and that post is an example of how.  I’m not super confident and I can’t even play at dominating someone who makes me feel the way May does.  (He might be completely different in person.  But I imagine this feeling is reciprocated in any case.)

As far as competence itself goes…well, hmm.  I have some crazy levels of emotional competence, but d/s is new to me, so at best I’m a talented beginner here.  In a scene, I think I am decent with touch and tone of voice and things like that.  Physically, no – I have no particular bdsm skills.  Most of my toys don’t require much skill to be safe.  I pay attention to safety.  (I pay a lot of attention just in general.) 

I consider it always my responsibility to play safely, but I also appreciate my partner’s watchfulness in a scene.  I wouldn’t advise someone to “just trust me” if their gut said otherwise.  I am honest about my level of experience.

I’m not surprised that what I know and do would be inadequate for some potential partners.  I’m still glad there is room for me in the scene.