I was thinking about Collarme in reference to Richard’s post today (“Durham, North Carolina“), where he wrote that he isn’t seeking out female dominants partly because of the overwhelming volume of responses we receive, as evidenced partly by Elizabeth’s experiment (“Bow before my splendiforesness“).
I have an ad on Collarme, a legitimate one which you can view here.
Here are the responses I have received.
I have been looking at your profile and believe we have many things in common.
I have a wild imagination and a lot of fantasy’s about being stripped naked and tied up and whipped and tortured. The one I have been having lately is about a woman stripping me naked and whipping me all day long. She wouldn’t whip me particularly hard, but just all day long until every inch of my body was rosy red with whip marks. She might decide that the punishment was too hard and have someone else take over the whipping while she took a break. There are many more such things as cbt, chastity, objectification, and I could design and implement many torture methods if my Mistress so desired.
I am a masochist but not one that just wants to be “done to”. I derive a certain pleasure from the fact that my Mistress enjoys my pain and humiliation.
I do understand that you are other wise involved and there would be no sex, I am looking for someone with a sadist side to explore my masochistic side with.
I am very willing to explore and learn more and push any limits so that both me and my Mistress may grow in all aspects of our lives.
Attached please find some recent photos of me so you may know what I look like. I hope that you like them.
I thought this was a pretty high quality response, and I definitely wrote back. Things haven’t proceeded very far with this guy, but we might still meet, I think.
Hello,
My name is —- I am definitely a masochist I am definitely looking for someone with that sadistic streak to play with
I didn’t respond to this, for some reason. Perhaps his profile hit the wrong notes for me.
I would be very interested in discussing what you want and offer. I love humiliation
Not really enough information here, and no sign that he’s read my ad.
And finally,
you want a slut as well
(Yes, that was the entire message.) I don’t anticipate responding to this.
So, depending on where you live, it is not necessarily the case that women are swamped with responses to personal ads. Of course, it also depends on the woman. If I left my weight blank or put in 110 lbs, I’d probably get more responses.
I don’t get a lot of submissive offers. (I admit, I don’t actually look very hard, either.) I actually find that whole idea kind of laughable. I keep seeing men and women write about how there is apparently an enormous field of submissive men just waiting to leap all over me, and thinking “What, are they all out to lunch or something?” I think that’s a misconception of the scene, and a weird one at that.
Anyway. That was not the purpose of my comment. The purpose of my comment was to say that whipping someone all day would be *exhausting.*
This is a mite confusing. There are women who write about having such a huge volume of devotees that they need a submissive guy to process the responses before they deign to view them.
And then there are all the female tops who report slim pickings.
I think a part of this might be just be me, Richard. I am not apparently the easiest person to approach (or so I have been told, although that surprises me every time I hear it.) I’m also picky about what I want, and vocal about being picky. If someone were to say, read my blog, I doubt I’d come off as approachable.
Honestly, though, I really don’t look very hard. I don’t even have a profile up, anywhere. There’s an invitation to chat on my blog, and that’s it. In public spaces I don’t get approached much, but I also spend most of my time in public spaces in groups of people I already know, which does not faciitate casual offers.
So I don’t know. Maybe it’s a scene misconception, maybe it’s a personal quirk.
I think there are some dominant women who seem to keep blogs specifically so they can go on about how email they get from submissive men.
I’ve said this before. I get very few emails through BJD that are from men trying to sleep with me. If I do contact ads, yeah, I get a few, but I read them and I pick out interesting people. I have never had so many emails I have had to have some bloke in a dress process them for me. I really believe this is a stupid femdom myth.
It’s not impossible, Lots of people make this stuff work. I am sometimes one of them. But it is a bit messy.
Eileen, your thought about the exhaustion factor matched mine exactly.
And would you gals just get bored with this thing before the end of an “all day long” session?
From a Domme who needs a mail sub, lol:
Re quantity of unsolicited messages (not quality, lol) it appears this occurs less for Dommes active primarily on the blogosphere, and more for those who are active on high profile kinky community sites.
Interestingly, not just dating sites. I first began receiving large quantities of unsolicited mail when I was active on orgasmdenial.com, and a few other smaller fetish sites, a couple of years back, and it picked up again after I joined alt.com (of course my profile clearly said I was there to meet local friends, not take on subs, but hey, who reads profiles?!)
I actually agree with Eileen. While it’s certainly a female dominants market, I don’t think the male sub / female dominant ratio often heard in chatrooms (20:1) accurately reflects the situation. I believe a high % of the messages many of us receive are not from subs at all, but vanilla men trolling the adult community sites, wanting kinky sex. You can spot their messages by their inaccurate terminology, often general rudeness and by the fact they rarely get back to you if you respond!
In regards to having a mail sub (who I assigned when I was receiving a couple of hundred messages a week) this is not (as Richard puts it) “to process the responses before they deign to view them” but rather to provide a barrier between the constant obscenities and stupidities in my Inbox and myself. Working your way through a constant barrage of “leso bitch u ned a hard fuck” and ” u sound ok as a domme so send me your complet mesurements IMMEDIATELY so i can see if u are what i want. And DONT LIE. fat pig dommes that lie about their fat are just the lowest” can be utterly soul destroying. After these have been deleted, if you are really lucky, you might receive one or two real messages from sincere subs a month. These are precious, and the use of a mail sub makes sure they reach me.
Sallo, it’s hard to imagine beating someone all day. I can see it as an interesting fantasy, but I’d probably get exhausted way before the day was over (as would most bottoms). As for bored…probably that too, depending on what I was donig, exactly.
I’ve never been overwhelmed by responses from submissive men either, when I’ve put up a profile/ad. This surprised me initially because I live in Sydney, which has a decent sized community. Though there isn’t really a large, dedicated contact site for kinky australians, so maybe that has something to do with it.
I agree that the ratio of sub men to dom women is overstated. And I agree with Mistress160 that a lot of the men who make contact aren’t really submissive anyway. It’s seems a lot of them are just looking for someone who will indulge their particular fetish.
Also, and somewhat randomly, Jack emailed me unsolicited through BJD. That’s how we met. I’m not sure if I’ve said that on BJD – but it isn’t a secret. He was one of the few and I (eventually) met him and slept with him. And had pirate d/s sex with him. Hooray.
In fact, pretty much every one of my partners has been an internet connection. Because I am scared of events – as you know.
Also, on ratios it’s 1:1. Trust me. I’ll prove it one day.
The comments on ratios are interesting and encouraging.
I’ve been long habituated to the statements that there are umpty more dominant women than submissive heterosexual men. So I figure why bother straight female tops: I know – better than those of you who read my site – what I can offer. And it isn’t nearly as much as I wish.
But perhaps if I accept certain generic statements about sexuality and socialization perhaps there are other criteria for establishing a ratio. I always reject simple assertions that biological males are penis driven and that women are more focused on human qualities. That neither applies to my heterosexual male friends or me.
But if you accept something like that as a premise – that male responses to personals and the like are often more, um, basic – then perhaps the number of men who want depth and are capable of expressing it is higher in proportion to the number of female tops looking.
This sort of erotic algebra makes my brain hurt.
Wait a second. Richard, did I read your comment wrong, or did you reverse the ratios?
I’ve been long habituated to the statements that there are umpty more dominant women than submissive heterosexual men
Isn’t the stereotype the other way around?
I am a submissive guy, I have been online for exactly 10 years. In the early years I was very keen to meet my dream-domme, my dominant soulmate, have a serious relationship. I have met some Dominant women through alt, collarme and local scene but my perceptions have changed. I am still on colarme but rarely invest any time, day by day I lose interest completely. On top of that I see I have become very cynical and indiferent to anything I read, nearly everything I read, I have read it before.
90% of dommes involve some financial factor into the equation, a fact that reinforces my outlook that is better paying a goodlooking pro-at my terms and enjoy the lifestyle as a form of entertainment, rather dealing with surreal people. others get close to you and then disappear, others looking for money, some match in everything and because you are into something that they are not decide that there is no much…it gets too complicated even to write about Actually I have lost interest even in any type of dating.
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