Ever since I first gave Joscelin his collar, he has slept with it on at night (with rare exceptions such as while camping with his family). He likes to do this, and one of his first questions to me about the collar was whether I would allow him to.
To me, the question was kind of strange. Of course I would let him wear his collar anytime he chose. It’s his collar. (Yes, it is my collar in the sense that I own it, and it comes from me, and he wears it with my permission. But it’s his in another very real sense.)
Last night, he was in a strange and rebellious mood. To give an example of how this played out, he was short 1 minute on his exercise, and he nearly skipped it. (I was, frankly, somewhat captivated by the mood myself, and half-dared him to skip it just so that I could punish him – which is sort of fun, after all, and matched my perverse mood - but eventually I pushed him to do it, knowing that he would regret it later if he actually defied me.)
“Am I required to wear my collar to bed?” he asked as bedtime approached. (Just to be clear, we don’t live together. This was over IM, as is often the case.)
The idea of him not wanting to wear his collar to bed was painful, but I needed to figure out the answer to the question. Is he required to wear his collar to bed?
I first thought it might fit into a particular category, sort of ‘basic acts of submission.’ For instance, if he refuses to kneel for me, without some very good reason, then it’s a crisis. It means he has, for that moment at least, withdrawn consent from the d/s part of our relationship, and in order for us to continue relating, either we need to renegotiate, or he needs to reinstate his consent (which also involves negotiation, because it’s not like if he walks out of the fence, it just hangs open waiting for his return). Wearing his collar upon my request would fall into this category for sure.
But I never asked him to wear his collar to bed. That is for him – to give him good feelings and reinforce things. I could instruct him to do it; I just haven’t. I could have last night, and maybe I should have.
I felt pressure to say, “Yes, you are required to wear it,” but the honest answer is that I don’t think he is. So that was what I said, even though I felt like I was letting him down by saying it.