a little orgasm trauma

A long while back, I took over Joscelin’s orgasms. Then, more recently, I gave them back for about a week before taking them over again.

This has been a tricky kind of play for us. In the beginning, I got a lot of hinting about how I should (basically) make him go a long time in between, and how hard it would be to make him beg. It turns out that reducing Jos to an absolute orgasm-craving mess is not actually that difficult. His tolerance for not coming seemed to, if anything, diminish over time, though at the same time he almost completely stopped asking me if he could masturbate.

When I took them back over this time, he started displaying a lot of stress. He commented that he hoped I would not give him a life of unremitting misery, which seems a bit extreme as fears go, especially considering I don’t think I’ve ever made him wait more than 3 or 4 days anyway. And a lot of stuff was coming up about begging (how hard it is, how it feels wrong, etc.) and asking and everything.

Oh, damn, I finally realized. I broke him again.

“Broke” might be too strong, but it’s clear he’s displaying some trauma over this issue. The truth is, I’m not absolutely wedded to playing this way, and if it isn’t something that will ultimately be satisfying to us both, I can let it go. But it feels so right and so incredibly sexy – to both of us, usually – that I want to keep working on it.

One problem he’s having is that it is difficult to ask “authority figures” for favors. He feels that he has nothing to offer me in return, because he has already given me everything that he has to give (by being my slave). Many things are wrong with this idea, to wit:

• “favors” in love relationships are not about a balance sheet (I’d say there almost are no “favors” but that’s probably not quite true)
• letting him orgasm costs me nothing
• I want him to have pleasure
• the gift of his service to me is ongoing, not a one-time thing; just because he can’t offer me any specific thing (because I can ask for it and get it whether he offers or not, if I want it) doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate that gift all the time.

So right now I am keeping control of when and if he comes, but striving to do so in a gentle and giving way, so that he can be reassured that he will not be cast into a place of unremitting agony, and, more importantly, that I want him to have pleasure and all good things. I have been making a point of, for instance, thanking him for asking, whatever answer I give. (By “thanking him for asking,” I mean as opposed to just wanting in silence, not as opposed to having an orgasm without asking. That’s unthinkable except as an error to be confessed and punished.)

my favorite pro domme

This post is gonna get me in trouble. Oh well :-)

Pretty early in my time in the Denver scene, I met Saskia. She’s a pro, heavily involved in the community, and a funny, sharp, legitimately pervy bitch anyone would be happy to know. When I met her, she wasn’t dressed up as a domme, but just wearing regular-type clothes. I crushed on her instantly.

I understand Maymay’s point about not selling his submission, much less paying someone to accept it. I admire that. But I’m not that way. I don’t really have submission, and I’ll basically buy anything that can be paid for, if I can afford it.

The first time I saw Saskia, I was scared out of my mind – not by the thought of being hurt or whatever, but by just sheer intimidation. We had a pain scene with some paddling and the like. It was good. I got hugs and snuggles at the end.

The second time I saw Saskia, it was at the end of my school semester and I just could not let go of stress. She had me sit on this marvelous little padded table she has that is suspended, and sways head-to-foot and side-to-side, and she wrapped me head to toe (even more than you’d think from that description) in self-sticking bandages, and put earphones on my head, and heavy blankets over me, and laid me down there to chill. I felt like I was completely alone, but periodically the movement of the table would change. About 10 minutes into it I was giggling blissfully whenever this happened. Sometimes she would move her hands over the blankets and it felt like a mother’s love when you’re convalescent. In the end, I came out relaxed and stayed that way through the entire next day.

I don’t see this as any different from paying for a massage. It’s just a different experience.

The third time I saw Saskia professionally was when I hired her to teach me and Joscelin a technical skill (link not phobic-safe). I trust her knowledge and it felt like a safe environment to learn something new in. There were other ways I could have learned this, but I enjoyed doing it this particular way.

This comes up lately because I am having surgery in a week and a half. Saskia recently posted asking for comments about pro dommes, and what anyone had learned from her (for an article) and Jos wrote

I think the most interesting thing I learned from you is what kind of clients are your favorite. I remember you posted about “the kind of session you live for” where you had a woman mummified in your dungeon, and she said she could feel the afterglow for at least a day afterwards.

(He knows that was me, of course. We weren’t dating yet but we discussed it at the time.)

It reminded me how serene and wonderful that experience was, and made me think how perfect that would be before my surgery. I’ve asked her if she can do a session with me the night before, with Jos present so that I can have his support as well, and I hope she’ll be able to do it.