This has been a tricky kind of play for us. In the beginning, I got a lot of hinting about how I should (basically) make him go a long time in between, and how hard it would be to make him beg. It turns out that reducing Jos to an absolute orgasm-craving mess is not actually that difficult. His tolerance for not coming seemed to, if anything, diminish over time, though at the same time he almost completely stopped asking me if he could masturbate.
When I took them back over this time, he started displaying a lot of stress. He commented that he hoped I would not give him a life of unremitting misery, which seems a bit extreme as fears go, especially considering I don’t think I’ve ever made him wait more than 3 or 4 days anyway. And a lot of stuff was coming up about begging (how hard it is, how it feels wrong, etc.) and asking and everything.
Oh, damn, I finally realized. I broke him again.
“Broke” might be too strong, but it’s clear he’s displaying some trauma over this issue. The truth is, I’m not absolutely wedded to playing this way, and if it isn’t something that will ultimately be satisfying to us both, I can let it go. But it feels so right and so incredibly sexy – to both of us, usually – that I want to keep working on it.
One problem he’s having is that it is difficult to ask “authority figures” for favors. He feels that he has nothing to offer me in return, because he has already given me everything that he has to give (by being my slave). Many things are wrong with this idea, to wit:
- “favors” in love relationships are not about a balance sheet (I’d say there almost are no “favors” but that’s probably not quite true)
- letting him orgasm costs me nothing
- I want him to have pleasure
- the gift of his service to me is ongoing, not a one-time thing; just because he can’t offer me any specific thing (because I can ask for it and get it whether he offers or not, if I want it) doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate that gift all the time.
So right now I am keeping control of when and if he comes, but striving to do so in a gentle and giving way, so that he can be reassured that he will not be cast into a place of unremitting agony, and, more importantly, that I want him to have pleasure and all good things. I have been making a point of, for instance, thanking him for asking, whatever answer I give. (By “thanking him for asking,” I mean as opposed to just wanting in silence, not as opposed to having an orgasm without asking. That’s unthinkable except as an error to be confessed and punished.)